


This must be the place

by Yyydelilah



Series: Make it up as we go along [2]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Coming Out, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gen, Homophobia, M/M, Sequel, Students, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-08-12 19:46:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 33,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7946785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yyydelilah/pseuds/Yyydelilah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the events of ‘Where I want to be’, Julian and Erik have to negotiate the repercussions of the change in their relationship, whilst keeping track of their friends’ various dramas and crises.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve finally gotten around to starting a sequel/continuation for ‘Where I want to be’ after prompts from @Eurydicoy. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> I have promised only to bring this back on condition that I don't split Erik and Julian up (I won't) and that I’m a lot nicer to Matze this time (I will be). That said, it won't all be angst-free fluff. Also I’m planning on expanding some of the characters who had background roles last time.
> 
> We kick-off a couple of weeks after the end of ‘Where I want to be’...
> 
> (Oh, and all titles for this series are taken from the Talking Heads song ‘This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)', just FYI)

Erik woke with a splitting headache. His mouth felt like sandpaper and he groaned mournfully as he realised he was still wearing yesterday's clothes.

“Morning!”

Cautiously, Erik opened his eyes to the smugly grinning face of Julian beside him.

“How are you feeling?”

_Vaguely terrible_

“All the better for seeing your gorgeous face!” Erik croaked.

“So, still drunk then?!” smirked Julian.

“Ass!” Erik swiped at him lazily.

Julian stuck his tongue out at him:

“Jerk!”

“Nerd!”

“Drunkard!”

There was a knock at the bedroom door.

Julian sat up in bed. Clearly he had been sober enough the night before at least to have changed into t-shirt and boxers.

“Come in!”

“Are you decent?” The voice came through the door.

“As we’ll ever be!” Julian called back.

Shoving open the door with her foot, Leah entered with a steaming mug in each hand:

“Sorry to interrupt your pillow talk guys, but I made coffee and thought you might want some?”

At the word ‘coffee’ Erik hauled himself upright.

“Oh you are an angel!” he said, making grabby-hands at the offered cup. “How ever did you let this one go, Jule? She’s a star!”

“In fairness, I dumped him!” Leah corrected him with a teasing smile.

“A lucky escape!” Erik grinned as he took a swig of much-needed caffeine.

“Nah” Julian shook his head at them “It would never have worked, because she’s already forgotten I prefer tea to coffee!”

“I’ll drink yours then.” Leah took back the mug “André’s making tea though, so I’ll tell him to do one more.”

She disappeared back to the kitchen.

“I know exactly how you take your tea” Erik said, looking lovingly over the top of his coffee cup.

“I know you do” Julian smiled back at him. “Is there something about hangovers that makes you particularly sentimental or…?”

“I was just thinking that I’ll have to start buying tea again when you move back into our place.”

“Our place!” Julian smiled a little more broadly. “Well now that exams are finally over, we’ll have to start thinking about that, won't we? But right now, I’m going to jump into the shower because I suspect you’re going to be hours in there!”

“Ugh!” Erik flopped back down on the bed dramatically and pulled a pillow over his head. “How come you don't feel like death this morning?”

“Because I’ve lived with Max long enough to know _not_ to try out-drinking him! He was just as bad as you were. Matze put him to bed while I took care of you. No doubt he’ll be extra grumpy when he finally emerges!”

…

While Julian was in the shower, Erik decided he was probably strong enough to venture to the kitchen in search of more coffee and, hopefully, something to line his fragile stomach. The Chemistry students may have been the last to finish their end of year exams, but, for a bunch of nerds, they had partied surprisingly hard afterwards to make up for it!

André appeared to have switched his attentions from making tea to making pancakes, and was furiously mixing up a huge bowl of batter. Matze, who had evidently slept on the sofa but looked none-the-worse for it, was helping Leah collect up bottles and other detritus from the night before, and sort it into the recycling.

“Morning guys!”

“Hey Erik!”  
“Morning man!”  
“More coffee in the pot, Erik.”

Deciding it was best he keep out of the way of his more awake and industrious friends, Erik seated himself at the kitchen table.

...

Julian was out of the shower before the pancakes were ready.

“I hope you’ve left some hot water for the rest of us!”

Max looked even worse than Erik felt, and was in a mood to match.

“Yeah, yeah, plenty, even with all these extra bodies in the house, which is just as well given the amount of batter you seem to be wearing André!”

“You needn’t have any if you’re going to be like that!” André pouted.

“Don't listen to him, mate! I’ll eat his!” Erik offered up his plate hopefully.

“Er! I don't think so!” Julian made to elbow him out of the way.

“Oh, by the way, Jule, there’s some fancy envelope just come in the post for you” Matze shoved the letter across the table. “Your postman comes unnaturally early, doesn't he? It woke me up!”

Between mouthfuls of pancake, Julian used his knife to open up the thick cream envelope. He pulled out a matching cream-and-silver card.

“Oh, it's just the invitation to Benni and Lisa’s wedding” he glanced at it briefly and then went back to his pancakes.

“Well, you could sound a little more enthusiastic!” Erik was rather surprised. Julian had known Benni basically forever. They were practically family.

“May I have a look?” Matze reached for the invite.

“I already know the details." Julian explained "They arranged it and sent one of those ‘Save the date’ things by email months ago. I don't know why they need a paper invitation.”

“Because weddings make people go insane?” muttered Max.

“Because they look nicer?” suggested André “A bit more special and romantic?”

“Or because the parents and the oldies will want a ‘real’ invite, I expect” Leah added.

“Why don't I know about this?”

Erik felt rather put out that Julian hadn't mentioned anything about it.

“It was when we weren't speaking”

_Ah, right._

“It’ll be pretty small anyway” Julian went on “Mostly just family, I think”

“It says here ‘ _Requests the pleasure of the company of Julian Draxler **\+ 1**_ ’!” remarked Matze, studying the card in his hand.

“Really?” Julian seemed a little surprised and took back the invitation to look for himself before looking up at Erik.

“Oh!” was all Erik could think of to say at that moment.

It seemed like quite a big step. They’d only been ‘together’ for a couple of weeks, and the pressures of exams and revision had meant they’d only really been on two proper dates. In most ways their relationship had only really recovered back to where it had been before their ‘crisis’. The prospect of suddenly going to a wedding as Julian’s boyfriend felt slightly odd or at least unexpected.

“No pressure! You only have to come if you want to. I won't mind” Julian could evidently read the panic in Erik’s face.

“I...er...I don't know. I won't know anyone!” Erik stammered

“Leon’s going” Matze chipped in “although, he’ll be with his family. He hasn't got a ‘+1’”

“How do you know?” asked André.

“Witchcraft!” Max stated confidently as he glowered into his rocket-strength coffee “He’s clearly a witch. Burn him!”

Matze merely held up his phone, which was clearly on the chat screen:

“The wonders of modern technology, peasant!” he replied.

“Ooh! Say hello from us!” beamed André, sliding an arm around Leah’s waist.

At the prospect of so many sickeningly-happy couples, Max groaned and stalked off back to bed.

“I suspect he’ll be better for some more sleep” Matze suggested charitably, “Perhaps we should all head out after breakfast? Let him have some quiet?”

“I’d like it if you came” Julian was still studying Erik intently, “but I completely understand if it's a bit weird.”

Erik reached out and tangled their fingers together.

“I’ll think about it” he said with a reassuring smile “but right now I really really need a shower!”

...


	2. Chapter 2

“Jeez Jule! How can you possibly need all this stuff?”

Max dumped the box he was carrying in the middle of the living room carpet.

“There really isn't that much!” Julian’s voice came from the kitchen, “It just looks that way because we had to make several runs in the car.”

“Stupid tiny car!” Max muttered under his breath, but unfortunately not quietly enough.

“Unless you’d have rather brought everything across on foot, I would suggest you stop moaning, Kruse!” Marco dumped the box he was carrying beside the first one in the middle of the floor.

“My car is not stupid!” Auba added indignantly, “I don't need more than two seats. I wasn't planning on using it as a moving van!”

“Don’t listen to him!” called Julian again “I’m very grateful and the offer of beer still stands!”

“Why isn’t André helping?" Marco asked, flopping across the sofa.

“Apparently he already had plans with Leah, and they have to spend every second together because once the vacation starts they’ll be a whole two hours drive apart!”  
It was fairly obvious that Max was less-than-impressed.

“Aww cute!”

“Not cute, nauseating! Don't they have phones? Skype?” Max moved Marco’s legs off the sofa and sat down himself, “Anyway, what about that other post-grad mate of yours? Doesn't he have a massive car? What's he doing?”

“Mats?” Marco put his feet in Max’s lap “Off with the Mrs-to-be looking at wedding venues”

“Whereas Benni has final revisions to do on his thesis,” Erik arrived dragging a suitcase behind him “and Lisa has a dress fitting.”

“Oh dear lord!” wailed Max, hiding behind a cushion. “Who did I kill in a past life to end up surrounded by wall-to-wall weddings!”

“It’s literally **two** weddings!” Erik corrected him “And Mats and Cathy haven't actually set a date yet”

“Still?!” exclaimed Julian as he came in from the kitchen, “Oh and by the way, make yourself at home guys!” he added indignantly on finding his band of helpers lounging about. “Why have you just left everything in the middle of the room?!”

“We weren't sure which room you wanted them in” replied Marco innocently.

“Well, _my_ room of course!”

Marco raised an eyebrow:

“Well I had thought you might be sharing…”

Erik blushed:

“Nah, Jule has way too much stuff!” he replied rather hurriedly.

“Me! More like there’d be no room in your wardrobe!” Julian countered. “And I can't imagine you sharing the mirror either!”

“Well I’ve got to keep myself pretty!” Erik smiled sweetly at him.

Marco snorted:

“Ha! Good luck with that!”

Erik whacked him.

“But I thought you were getting a pool table!” whined Max as he reluctantly shifted the boxes into the bedroom.

“Not a good idea” Julian helped Erik with the suitcase “I thought I’d have enough distractions anyway!”

He aimed a smirk at Erik who blushed again and looked away, smiling sheepishly.

Max looked as though he wanted to throw up but Marco intervened:

“Look, why don't we leave you two to unpack? I reckon we’ve earned a drink, eh Max?”

“I’ll ditch my ‘stupid’ car at mine and then join you” added Auba.

“But I was going to buy the beers as a thank you!” Julian protested.

“You can come and find us when you’re done,” Marco reasoned, following a much-more-perky Max out of the front door, “That is” he added with a wink “unless you get too distracted first!”

…

Unpacking seemed to take forever. Considering it had only been a few months since he had moved out, Julian was surprised at how difficult it was getting everything to fit back in again. It was if the apartment had subtly changed shape during his absence.

“Screw it! Leave the rest of it where it is!”

Julian threw himself onto the bed with an exasperated sigh.

“I’ll finish the rest tomorrow” he added

“You sure?”asked Erik.

“Absolutely!”

Erik put down the crate of textbooks and files he was holding and crossed the room to sit on the floor next to Julian’s bed. He leant against the bedframe, sighing quietly when Julian reached out to stroke his hair.

They stayed like that in silence for a little while, quiet and content.

Despite being exhausted, Julian was still trying to process his feelings about moving back in with Erik. It was both comfortingly familiar and thrillingly new; just the same as when he had left, and yet completely different.

He could tell that Erik was deep in thought too.

“Thank you for helping” Julian said softly.

Erik turned and looked up at him, his brow furrowed:

“It's not too soon is it?”

Something inside Julian flinched a little but he tried not to show it. Instead he smiled reassuringly as he cupped Erik’s cheek:

“We know this. We know how to do this. It’ll be fine, no, more than fine! It’ll be great!”

His smile was not returned. Erik still looked concerned:

“But...but it's different now?”

_Please, please don't be getting second thoughts!_

Again, Julian tried to squash down his own feelings of panic and uncertainty, meeting Erik’s large worried eyes with his own:

“Hey, are you okay?”

Erik smiled weakly and nodded.

“Yeah, I am...it’s just...after what happened last time…I’ve been worrying...”

“I know, but, as you said, it's different now. And I think it'll be okay as long as we talk about it. Worrying is natural but we’ll just take it a day at a time, yeah?”

Erik’s smile was genuine this time.

“Yeah. Sounds like a good plan”

“Good!”

Julian pecked him on the lips and smiled back.

With Erik so apparently uneasy about the way their relationship was moving, Julian was reluctant to broach another subject, but it was probably better to do it while they were being open and honest.

“I...I don't want to push you or anything, especially if you’re not ready…”

Erik's eyes widened again.

“...it's just” Julian winced “I kinda need to give Benni and Lisa and answer about that ‘plus 1’?”

Fortunately Erik seemed visibly to relax at this:

“Oh that! I thought...I mean, I’ve thought about it and I think I _would_ like to come if that’s still okay?”

“Of course it's okay!” Julian grinned broadly “It might even be fun!”

Erik grinned back:

“Yeah, I’m sure it will be. Plus I get to see you during the vacation. That’s the more important thing!”

“We could see each other anyway, wedding or no wedding! We should make a plan…”

He was interrupted by the buzz of his phone.

“It’s Marco wondering when they’re getting those ‘thank you’ beers I promised! We should go and find them.”

He hauled himself to his feet and then offered Erik a hand to pull him up too.

Erik seemed happier as he pressed a quick kiss to Julian’s cheek.

“Let’s go then!” he said.

...


	3. Chapter 3

“No, that shirt isn't working for you. Try the blue one.”

Erik was in his element. They hadn't been in the store very long at all before he had had his arms full of suits, shirts and ties, and had marched a hapless Julian into the changing rooms to try them all on.

“I already have a blue shirt” Julian mumbled, rolling his eyes as he unbuttoned the green, shiny monstrosity that Erik has insisted he try ‘just to see’.

“Yeah, and it looks as though your mother bought it!”

Julian didn't reply to this, which Erik took to mean that that was precisely what had happened. Instead, Julian took attack as the best form of defence. Abandoning the buttons, he reached out to grab Erik’s waist, pouting in an attempt to drop kisses onto his neck.

Erik wriggled away from his grip, almost falling out of the changing cubicle as he did so:

“Don't think I don't see what you’re doing! You’re trying to distract me from finding you an outfit for this wedding!”

“It’s working though, isn't it?” Julian smirked, stepping back.

Erik tried not to smile back but didn't quite succeed as he shook his head at him:

“Shameless! Hurry up though. The sooner we pick something, the sooner we can grab some lunch, and I still think you should at least _try_ the pale suit. It's a wedding not a funeral!”

Julian had agreed to some of Erik’s more outlandish style advice in the past, but things were a little different now and there were limits!

“Hell no! I’d look like a right idiot!”

Erik opened his mouth to protest but Julian stopped him:

“Plus I’d never hear the end of it from my mother! She’s already stressing about this wedding and it's not even our family!”

Erik frowned:

“Why is it a cause of stress then?”

“Apparently about half of Benni’s parents’ guests are friends of hers too, and now it appears she’s invited a load of them to stay for the weekend of the wedding!” Julian rolled his eyes. “Oh, and that’s another thing…”

“What?”

He looked sheepish:

“Well, because she’s filled the house with her middle-aged friends, there probably won't be any room for you to stay with us. I’m sorry. I’m being chucked out of my room too. I’m going to be on an air bed in the lounge I think!”

Trying not to look too relieved, Erik answered brightly:

“No, no, don't worry! It's fine. I’ve already arranged somewhere to stay.”

“Really?”

“Yeah! Mats was at Marco's when I dropped round yesterday, and turns out that Cathy can't make it to the wedding now so I can share the room they had booked at the hotel where the reception is. I just thought it would make sense.”

Erik was aware that he was gabbling slightly. He had meant to tell Julian about the arrangement earlier but it hadn't seemed the right moment.

“Oh! Sure! Absolutely! Way more convenient!”

Julian had his back turned as he returned his focus back to the business at hand and slipped the shirt over his shoulders, but Erik sensed a mixture of surprise and possibly disappointment in his slightly forced enthusiasm for this plan.

Rather than question it, Erik thought it safer to change the subject:

“I hadn't realised that Mats isn't going to be Benni’s best man.”

Julian’s attention was taken with fiddling with the button on his cuff:

“Nah, he’s asked his brother I think. Can you fix this? I can't get it to do up.”

“Give it here!” The fancy buttons were surprisingly fiddly “It makes sense I suppose, but I was still surprised. There!”

“Thanks. What do you think?”

Erik looked his boyfriend up and down with his usual critical eye. It was undoubtedly a more conservative look than Erik might have chosen for himself, but it was clear that Julian was more comfortable with it.

“I like it! I think it suits you better than the other one. What do _you_ think?”

“Yeah, it's good. And more to the point, I’m hungry and don't want to try on any more!”

“Fine by me!” Erik laughed, “I think it's a good choice though. Smart but not too formal? Should be perfect for the sort of thing Benni and Lisa have planned. When I was at Marco’s, Mats was describing some of the plans for his and Cathy’s wedding, and _that_ one sounds massive! Some kind of full-on Disney princess-style 'do' by the way it's going! God knows what the dress code will be for theirs!”

“Ugh! I shudder to think!” Julian grimaced, “I’m glad I won't have to deal with that sort of thing!”

“Hey! Maybe I want a huge wedding with all the trimmings?!”

Erik's faux-offence was met with teasing defiance from Julian:

“Well in that case, ‘Groomzilla’, you can find someone else!”

“I don't want anyone else!”

“Well then!” Julian raised his eyebrows and smirked.

“Well then!”

“It’s a good thing I don't want anyone else either!”

“Glad to hear it!” Erik mirrored Julian’s affectionate smile back at him.

As Julian put the shirt back on the hanger and reached for his old t-shirt, Erik found himself watching his back. The broad shoulders fascinated him, drawing his eye downwards, over pale, tempting skin, the movement of the muscles, to narrow waist and slim hips.

He had seen Julian changing before, had played the self-appointed stylist before, but where once he had noticed only the clothes, he was now very very aware of the man underneath them.

The sting of pain as he bit down onto his bottom lip went unheeded.

Erik was only aware that he was staring when a smirking Julian caught his eye in the mirror.

“Argh shit! I..” he started, immediately feeling the blood rushing to his cheeks, but Julian just laughed at him.

“Don't worry, it's only fair!” he said with a wink. “You should have seen me checking out your ass when you were hunting for shoes earlier!”

But Julian’s teasing grin vanished as he saw Erik struggling to look up.

“Hey?” he turned round to face his boyfriend, “Hey, it's okay”

Gently, he reached out to Erik’s flushed cheek and lifted it, to meet their eyes again.

“You’re allowed, you know?” said Julian, softly.

Relaxing at his touch and under his loving gaze, Erik managed a small smile:

“Yeah, I know. I just struggle to believe it sometimes!”

Julian looked at him wonderingly for a moment, as if checking that Erik was really okay, before finishing getting dressed.

As he pulled on his scruffy old trainers, he tried to get the conversation back to brighter topics:

“Hey, I reckon we should think some more about going away somewhere during the vacation.”

“Hmm I don't know. I mean it would be nice but…” Erik seemed hesitant.

“Or I could come and visit you?”

“Well that's hardly very exciting for me…”

Despite the lack of enthusiasm he was encountering, Julian was persistent:

“Well in that case we could get a cheap flight somewhere. Find some sun?”

There was a pause while Erik seemed to think this over.

Finally, his face broke into a smile:

“Sun sounds good! And there’s no harm in looking I suppose”

“Exactly!” Julian grinned broadly and squeezed Erik’s shoulders “Now I’ll just pay for this stuff and then you can buy us lunch!”

He was out of the changing room before Erik had a chance to object.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously this is FICTION and AU. I'm sure Julian's parents are nothing like this IRL

His old room _really_ didn't feel like his room anymore.

It had been in the car on the way back from the station that Julian’s mother had dropped the bombshell that they had ‘smartened up’ his room in readiness for the impending guest invasion.

His old Schalke posters had gone, and the walls had been repainted in the sort of creamy beige that probably came with a fancy name like ‘contemporary white’ or ‘hint of cornfield’. It didn't even smell like his old room any more (the scent of ‘teenage boy’ not being the most appealing to anyone but the species themselves).

The furniture had been rearranged too and an awful lot of stuff had been tidied into the cardboard boxes that now sat in the middle of the floor. Julian was desperately trying to remember if he'd left anything incriminating stashed under his bed before he had left for university, and feared what might have been found there.

His mother had issued strict instructions that he was to sort through the ‘junk’, throw out as much as possible and store the rest in the loft. So far he had got halfway through one box and then been distracted by some battered scrapbooks and a collection of match programmes.

_Erik would like these. Or, more likely, Erik would laugh at these, and then laugh at me for keeping them, before telling me to hold onto them!_

Julian smiled at the thought and quickly took a photo of the collage he had created across the new (‘sandpit’) beige carpet, sending it to Erik along with an emoji-laden message.

The folders of old essays and school projects were swiftly filed into the recycling with few regrets. Julian wasn't entirely sure why they had even been kept in the first place, but then his parents had always taken a keen interest in his schoolwork.

The breakdown of his results from his first year at uni had been closely scrutinised as soon as he had been back in their house for five minutes, and the significant dip in his grades at the start of that last term had not gone unnoticed. Julian had made some vague excuses about ‘the upheaval of moving into new accommodation’ because he hadn't wanted to get into an explanation of exactly why moving out had been necessary. It hadn't seemed the right moment to tell them ‘I fell in love with my flatmate and it destroyed our relationship and I was somewhat distracted by the whole sexuality-crisis-and-broken-heart-combo thing!’.

Neither of his parents had questioned his moving out at the time. They had always been rather suspicious of Erik and seemed to have thought it inevitable that their studious son would eventually grow tired of living with someone so unlike him. When he had informed them that he was actually moving back in with Erik again, they had even offered to find him a place on his own instead, despite the additional expense that would bring.

Having sorted most of the boxes, Julian had just moved onto the clothes he had left behind, when there was a shout from downstairs:

“Julian? Can you come here for a moment please? Julian!”

“Coming Mother!”

Immediately a teenager again, Julian sighed, rolled his eyes, gritted his teeth, and stomped down the stairs to the living room.

“There you are! I need to get the ‘good’ wine glasses down from the top of the dresser but I can't reach them. Would you mind? Thanks darling! No, no, one at a time! Careful! Yes, just pass them here. That's it.”

Julian did as he was told without passing comment on exactly why the best glassware was needed with over a week to go before any of the guests arrived. His mother seemed far too preoccupied with the arrangements to appreciate any input from him anyway.

“Oh, and while you're here you can help me fold these tablecloths. I’ve had an absolute mountain of ironing to do. It never ends! I don't know what possessed your father to invite all these people, I really don't!”

It took massive self-restraint not to remind her exactly whose idea the invitations had been. The years had taught him it was usually better to say nothing.

“Do you need me to take your suit to the dry cleaners at the same time as I take your father’s?”

“No thanks. I bought a new one.”

She frowned at this:

“Really? Well, I hope it's suitable! And I do hope we're finally going to meet Leah! You’ll be bringing her won't you?”

_Err, not exactly…_

“We broke up.”

“What? When?”

“Last term” Julian mumbled, not keen to suffer his mother’s inquisition right now. “She’s with André now”

“Well that was fast!”

Mrs Draxler looked deeply unimpressed at this turn of events for moment, before a cunning look passed across her face that immediately made Julian deeply suspicious.

“You know, you really should have said something before,” she continued “because a little bird told me that Katrin is going to be at the wedding…”

“Mum!” The tone of warning in Julian's voice was completely ignored by his mother.

“Apparently she's split up with that lawyer chap..what's his name...you know the one!”

“The one she dumped me for, you mean?”

“Oh we all make mistakes, darling! And she was such a nice girl. It was such a shame about you two!”

“No mother! Absolutely not! And as a matter of fact…”

“Oh I know, I know! And I promise not to meddle, you know I won't! But it will be nice to see her again, won’t it? Now I really have to dash because I need to go round to the Meyer’s house. They’re going to lend us some extra plates. It's likely they'll invite me stay for dinner so you’ll have to fend for yourself this evening.”

“Where’s Dad?”

She was already putting on her coat:

“He goes straight from the office to the golf club on Thursday’s. You should find something in the fridge, but don't eat the cold chicken. I want that for tomorrow’s lunch. Oh, and have you finished those boxes yet?”

“Nearly”

“Well do hurry up because I want to get it cleared as soon as possible! I’ll see you later!”

Julian bent to allow his cheek to be kissed, before his mother closed the front door behind her.

Sullenly, he trudged his way back upstairs and threw himself onto his bed.

He hadn't _meant_ to keep the small matter of his relationship with Erik a secret, but with the havoc of all the guest preparations, he hadn't really had a chance. And things were still so new and, well, _fragile_ between them, he sort of felt that he might jinx things by telling them.

The buzz of his phone forced him to pick himself up.

Erik’s text contained a quantity of abuse about Schalke followed by some kissy-face emojis.

The truth was Julian wasn't sure how his parents would react to the news that their son was in love with a man, especially one they seemed to disapprove of. But it was also a fact that they would be finding out soon enough when Julian introduced Erik as his ‘+1’. The thought made him feel rather sick.

He stared at the text for a moment before replying:

> “I miss you. I miss your face. I miss your laugh. Let's book that holiday soon. Ily xxx”

After hitting ‘send’, Julian changed quickly so that he could go for a good long run before it got dark.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As before, I'm sure Erik's parents are nothing like this (FICTION and AU remember)

“Are you sure you don't want any more? There’s plenty left!”

“I’m sure, Ma. It was lovely but I honestly can't eat any more!”

Having finally gotten all her family around the same table for the first time since Easter, Erik’s mother seemed to be trying to feed them four months worth of home cooking all in one go. His sister had come round for lunch after Sunday Mass, but didn't seem to be pulling her weight on the eating front, nor was she being force-fed with quite the same enthusiasm.

“I don't think you’ve been eating properly while you were away. You’ve lost weight, I’m sure of it!”

“I really haven't, Ma!”

“I’ll have more if he doesn't want it” Erik’s father eyed the potatoes hungrily despite having tucked in heartily the first time around, “Leave the boy alone. You don't need to mollycoddle him!”

Erik’s sister smirked at their mother’s treatment of her little brother, and Erik stuck his tongue out at her in return.

“I’m just pleased to have my baby back, that's all! Even if he's leaving us again straight away!”

“It's only for a weekend, Ma, and it's not that far away!”

“I’m only teasing, sweetheart! I hope you’ll have a lovely time. It’s nice of your friends to invite you. Now, do you need some new clothes for this wedding?”

Before Erik could reply, his father gave a loud snort into his plate of food:

“Ha! As if he needs _more_ clothes. I’ve never seen a lad with so many! A man only need one suit and he’s sorted for any of these fancy things -weddings, funerals, and whatever else you need to get dressed up for! Also, you can always tell when Erik’s home because you can't move in the bathroom for lotions and potions and god-knows-what! You spend more time in there than your sister did!”

“That’s okay little bro” Lisa pinched Erik’s cheek and grinned as he pushed her hand away, “I’m okay with me being ‘the smart one’ and you being ‘the pretty one’!”

“I already have an outfit actually, thank you” Erik tried to rise above his families merciless teasing.

“I’m sure you'll look ever so handsome in whatever you wear” his mother continued, “and I’ll want to see lots of pictures!”

“If I know my boy, he’ll be too busy chatting up the bridesmaids to take pictures!”

Erik could only smile weakly at his father’s comment, suddenly very interested in clearing the plates and cutlery from the table.

A year ago, heck even six months ago, that’s exactly what he would have been doing. Weddings meant drinking, feeling sorry for the poor sucker with his head in the noose, and trying to hook up with the bride’s single friends.

But now he was someone's plus one. Moreover he was his _boyfriend’s_ plus one.

It was an almost surreal change.

The last time he was home he had missed the uni nightlife - dressing up to go out with his mates, to drink and dance and pick up girls.

Now he missed evenings sitting on sofa watching TV next to Julian, just the warmth of his presence, his smile.

They were like two different lives with no connection between them.

“Erik!”

“I’m sorry what?”

“I said, leave the clearing up to your mother and sister. The match is starting soon and I thought we could watch it together.”

“Sorry Pa, I said I’d meet Marco to watch it. I’d better get going actually.”

Erik’s father looked rather put-out by this, but Lisa spoke up before he could say anything:

“How is Marco? Do you get to see much of him at uni?”

“Yeah, quite a bit really”

“You should invite him to dinner sometime!” his mother beamed, “He was always so skinny! Oooh! I could wrap up some of the leftovers for him!”

“Er, I don’t think so, Ma!” Lisa halted the sudden preparation of food parcels by swiftly ushering Erik out of the door. “Erik doesn't want to be late, do you?”

“Er, no! No, I have to go right now actually.” He mouthed ‘ _thank you’_ at his sister before calling as he left “I won't be back late, Ma! Love you!”

…

Erik was rather early for meeting Marco (and ‘Marco time’ generally ran a little later than everyone else's anyway) but he found himself quite impatiently looking forward to seeing his friend again.

Marco _was_ a connection between his past and present and practically the only person who knew close to his full story. They hadn't been that close while growing up - the age difference seemed more substantial when they were young - but Marco had let him hang out sometimes, like an indulgent older brother. Having him at uni had been a godsend. His support during the whole saga with Julian had been invaluable, and Erik was hoping to pick his brains about how to handle this wedding ‘plus one’ business.

The match was nearing kick-off by the time Marco arrived, and he was not alone:

“Mario! Nice to see you, man! I didn't know you were coming.”

“Hey Erik! It's been an age! Yeah, I came back a bit earlier than I’d planned so I thought I’d join you!”

“That’s okay with you right?”

Quite how Marco expected Erik to object without looking like a total arse was beyond him, but despite the fact it probably meant no opportunity for asking advice, Erik was genuinely glad to see Mario again, and Marco seemed delighted.

...

By half time, the stodgy goalless draw had done little to hold the attention and Erik’s friends appeared more interested in reminiscing:

“Yeah, but what about the time we nearly got caught sneaking into the back of the training ground? I don't think I’ve even run so fast!” Mario was beaming from ear to ear.

“Oh God! That was hilarious!” chuckled Marco, “You were so out of breath, you were almost purple!”

“That was because I was laughing so hard!”

“Why don't I remember this?” Erik was confused “When was this?”

“Oh, I don't think you were there” Marco explained, before turning back to Mario, “It wasn't as funny as the time I dared you to…”

Erik tuned out of their apparently exclusive dialogue and stared up at the TV screen.

They had always been like this. He’d forgotten just how inseparable the pair had been before the huge fight that had sent Mario scampering off to the other end of the country. They were as though nothing had ever happened.

His thoughts wandered back to Julian and how close they had come to destroying everything between them. Julian’s last couple of texts had been worrying him a little. He had seemed distracted, affectionate (perhaps even more than usual) but at the same time distant, as though he had something preoccupying his mind. Erik resolved to try to call him once he could find an appropriate time when his parents weren't around.

More giggling from his companions brought him back into the room.

“How Auba?” Erik asked, ignoring the fact he was cutting across whatever anecdote Marco was currently recounting.

“Erm, he’s fine” replied an understandably startled Marco “Happy to be home I think. He says he’s enjoying his mother’s cooking.”

Despite his sour mood, Erik couldn't help but laugh.

“I’m glad someone is! I can't escape mine! She’s quite keen to fatten _you_ up too by the way, so expect a dinner invite and get your excuses ready! You’d be very welcome too” he added, nodding at Mario.

“Cheers man! I have good memories of your Mum’s food, very generous portions as I recall!” Mario grinned

“Well eat plenty and she’ll love you forever! However, I promised I wouldn't be back late and I think I’m already in trouble for breaking up ‘family time’, so I should probably take off”

“But I thought… Didn't you say there was something you wanted to talk about?” Marco looked rather conscience-stricken as though he realised his attention had been rather monopolised.

“It's fine! It can wait.” It couldn't really, but Erik wasn't in the mood to talk anymore “See you guys later!”

“Bye Erik!”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more like half a chapter or part 1 of 2, but I'm going to be away and unable to update for a while so I thought i'd put the first bit up in the meantime...

Julian’s mother had insisted that they get to the church early. She fussed around, greeting old friends and whispering critiques of the decorations, while Julian stood on his own, nervously watching the door and feeling like a spare part. His father had managed to disappear somewhere, a habit that Julian was wishing he had inherited.

“Oh Julian, look who it is!” His mother pounced on him, beaming. “Katrin! So nice to see you again! You look lovely! I love your dress!”

“Hello Mrs Draxler. Thank you. Yours too.”

  
Julian’s ex-girlfriend was used to his mother’s rather overbearing enthusiasm and bore the sudden effusive greeting with politeness.

“Well, I’ll let you kids catch up. I’ll just go and say hello to your parents!”

She didn’t actually wink as she left, but Julian felt that she couldn’t have been much more obvious and embarrassing if she had.

“Er...hi”

“Hi”

“I’m sorry about that” grimaced Julian, “She’s a bit…er…”

“Yeah, I know. I remember.” Katrin smiled and shook her head “How are you?”

“I’m fine. Er..you?”

He didn’t want to be rude, but every time another group of guests arrived, Julian’s eyes darted past Katrin to the church entrance behind her.

“I’m great, thanks. Uni is fantastic and I’m hoping that this summer…”

Julian never heard the rest.

Erik had clearly picked up on Julian’s hinting, and was wearing his most ‘respectable’ suit of charcoal grey with a paler grey shirt and a tie that skewed slightly so Julian itched to straighten it. He’d used less hair product than usual too, and it looked softer, catching the light from the door. He was quite possibly the most beautiful thing Julian had ever seen.

“Erm...sorry, I gotta...”

He didn’t wait for Katrin to finish speaking, but made a beeline for the spot where Erik was arriving with a fidgety-looking Mats in tow.

“Hey”  
“Hey yourself”

He had missed that smile so much.

Julian drew Erik into a warm hug, and was about to follow it with a kiss when he suddenly remembered where he was and thought better of it, ducking back and drawing a confused look from his boyfriend.

“It’s good to see you. And you too Mats, nice to see you!” Julian clapped him on the shoulder heartily, trying to appear more at ease than he felt.

“Yeah, you too, you too”

Mats seemed rather distracted, and Erik’s initial warm smile on seeing Julian had faded, but any chance for explanation or reassurance was lost upon the reappearance of Mrs Draxler.

“Julian! Where are your manners? Leaving poor Katrin all alone like that and...oh hello again Erik” Her manner was suddenly rather cold as she spotted her son’s flatmate “I hadn’t realised Benedikt had invited you too”

The discomfort on Erik’s face triggered something in Julian. He snatched up Erik’s hand and faced his mother:

“Erik is here as my guest and my boyfriend”

The words rushed from him, all at once, and the pause that followed seemed to last forever.

For a moment, the shock on his mother’s face was clear. Her eyes flicked from one man to the other and then down to their clasped hands. She swallowed hard, then seemed to get a hold of herself and gave a very stiff smile:

“Of course! How lovely! I hope you enjoy the day. So nice to see you again. Oh look! I see the Goretzka’s are arriving - such old friends! I must go and say hello. Do excuse me!” and she left with almost indecent haste.

Somewhat shellshocked, Julian stared after her. He felt Erik take back his hand, but it was a moment before he could turn to look at him.

When he did so, he found Erik staring at his feet.

“Erik, I…”

Erik looked up. His eyes were wide, and his expression reminded Julian of what it had been on the night Erik had found out about him seeing Matze, the same mix of confusion, betrayal and hurt. Julian had felt guilty then, and so much worse now.

Before either could say anything, Leon bounded over:

“Hi guys! How’s it going? Alright? I’m so glad you're here. The oldies are driving me crazy! What is it about weddings? Can I sit with you guys?”

“Yeah, erm, sure” Julian was only half listening.

“Erm, we should maybe grab some places near the back” Mats suggested hesitantly, “The front will be reserved for family”

“Julian might rather sit with his family”  
Erik’s voice was like ice and the use of his full name sounded unsettlingly formal.

“No” Julian’s vehement reply forced Erik to look at him again, “I want to be with you.”

He desperately hoped his silent plea for forgiveness would not go unheard.

Erik stared back at him for a moment, before giving a small nod and turning towards the rows of seats at the back of the church.

Seemingly oblivious to any tension between the friends, Leon was in rather a chatty mood:

“Hey I understand you’re going to be doing all of this in the not-too-distant future?” He gave Mats a playful nudge with his shoulder, “Congrats man! Are you taking notes?"

Mats just about managed to pull his face into a smile but looked rather green.

“Erm, yeah, something like that…”

“So when is yours?”

“We haven't managed to fix a date yet” came the clipped reply.

“And your fiancée? She's not here?” Leon was a little slow to take up the hint that perhaps Mats was not too keen to chat about this.

“Apparently not”

Mats dodged past the rest of them to take the seat in the farthest corner, putting both Erik and Julian between him and Leon, and effectively ending the conversation.

…

Benni and Lisa were radiant as they stood together before the congregation of friends and family. Julian found himself thinking that they might be the luckiest people on earth, and possibly the most deserving of the happiness they could now share for the rest of their lives.

Benni had once told him that Lisa was the one who had helped him make sense of himself, had been the one to bring order out of the mess and confusion of his life. Julian could not help but feel a prickle of envy. His life was all mess and confusion. He had been given the chance of happiness, but it was as though he was determined to screw it up. Erik meant the world to him, and yet his stupidity and cowardice had risked everything.

At various times during the ceremony, Julian had noticed his mother glance in their direction, but he had avoided her gaze. He was glad she knew the truth and he didn't much care what she thought. Only Erik mattered and he should have put him first.

Erik hadn't looked at him once, only staring straight ahead, slightly stoney-faced.

But as the happy couple exchanged vows of mutual love and fidelity, Julian stole another glance at the man beside him. His expression seemed softer and it gave Julian hope.

Erik’s hand was resting on the edge of the seat between them. Gently, but deliberately, Julian placed his beside it, so their fingers lightly grazed together. At this touch, Erik turned his head to meet his eyes.

_Please forgive me, I love you, I need you, please, please understand_.

Erik looked away from his pleading eyes and back to the front of the church.

Julian’s heart sank, but an instant later he felt cool, soft fingers wrap themselves around his own. The relief made his breath catch in his throat, and he tipped his hand to clasp them closer together.

Perhaps he hadn't ruined everything this time after all.

Beside them, Mats stared up towards his best friend with his new bride, apparently deep in thought (although the service sheet in front of him had somehow been shredded to paper confetti), while Leon, now all too aware of the awkward atmosphere, was probably wishing he’d stuck with ‘the oldies’.


	7. Chapter 7

“You hadn’t told them!”

Once the formalities at the church had ended, and after an awkwardly silent journey in Mats’ car to the reception venue, Erik had taken his first opportunity to drag Julian to one side of the lobby, away from too many inquisitive eyes.

Julian grimaced:

“I never found the right moment…” he mumbled.

“You’ve had weeks but you thought THAT was the right moment?!” Erik hissed. “In front of everyone?! And now your parents hate me!”

“They don’t hate you. They just… It’s just the way they are, or how Mum is anyway. She doesn’t really deal with stuff. But she’ll be fine. It was a shock but they’ll be fine, I’m sure, in time.”

Erik was not convinced. The anger, embarrassment, and frustration he had felt in the church had mostly ebbed away but he was still deeply uneasy. Dark thoughts and insecurities had been swirling around in his mind and he needed answers. He took a deep breath:

“Are you sorry you invited me?” 

“No! Not at all!” Julian reached for both Erik’s hands and squeezed them tightly. “Your being here means everything to me. I’ve missed you so much!” 

His heart still heavy in his chest, Erik dropped his eyes before he stammered out:

“Are...are you ashamed of me? Of us?”

“No! No way! It’s just...new. I know I should have told them. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have done that to you, but I’m glad they know now. I’m glad everyone knows now.”

As if to prove his point, he moved closer and kissed Erik on the mouth, but Erik stepped back in surprise.

“Erik?” Julian looked confused and concerned. He studied Erik’s face for a moment before asking: “What is it? Are you still angry with me?”

“No, no, I’m fine. We should really go and find where we’re sitting for the meal…”

Erik hoped his smile looked more genuine than it felt. This was supposed to be a joyful occasion, a chance to spend time with Julian and have a good time, but it had already become too complicated, too stressful. He was determined to at least try to enjoy the day and prove he had a right to be there.

The reception room was crowded with unfamiliar faces merrily tucking into the champagne and canapés, but there was no one to distract from the unresolved atmosphere between Erik and Julian as Leon was dutifully attending to his family and Mats had apparently disappeared. 

The arrival of the newly-weds fortunately drew all attention, and Benni and Lisa diligently set about greeting as many of the gathered well-wishers as they were able before the time appointed for dinner.

A beaming Benni pulled Julian into a bear hug.

“Congratulations” Julian sounded as though he was struggling to breath and eventually his friend let him go, “I’m so happy for both of you!”

Benni’s happiness was infectious, and Erik found himself grinning like a lunatic, but the sight of Julian’s mother close by caused the smile to falter. Benni glanced behind him, following Erik’s gaze, and a second later Erik found himself wrapped into an equally rib-crushing hug courtesy of the groom. 

“I really really pleased you came!” Erik wasn’t sure if it was just the proximity or the occasion but Benni seemed to be speaking a little louder than strictly necessary. “It’s really good to see you again!” 

“Yeah, thanks. I’m glad I could make it” Erik gasped. 

In fairness, he knew so few people, and was so conscious of being under scrutiny, that he had been just grateful to see another friendly face, even though there had been a time, not that long ago, that Benni would probably have seriously considered smashing his face in! 

But as he was released from his grip, it became apparent that Benni’s exuberant show of affection might have a dual purpose: 

“Mrs Draxler!” Benni turned his broad smile towards the icy countenance of Julian’s mother, drawing her into their conversation. “Lovely to see you as always! I was just saying how thrilled we are that Erik was able to celebrate with us! Your boy has chosen extremely well. We’re all so fond of Erik”

“Erm, yes” Julian’s mother seemed rather thrown by this effusive praise of her son’s once-flatmate-now-apparent-boyfriend. “Yes, yes, it’s wonderful isn't it?”

Julian had always said that his parents idolised Benni, and it was likely that Benni knew it. Whether or not his endorsement could make a difference, Erik was grateful for it. Julian might have insisted that his mother would be ‘fine’ but all outward appearances at the moment seemed to indicate otherwise. Erik felt he could use all the help he could get. 

Eventually escaping the scrum of people around the happy couple, Erik and Julian made their way towards their allotted places for dinner. Even as they did so, Erik was deeply aware that the eyes of Julian’s parents were often turned in their direction. Julian clearly noticed this too and grasped Erik’s hand possessively:

“Don’t worry about them, really, they don't hate you. Who could? They’ll get used to the idea of us being together. Plus _I_ _like you_! A lot!” Julian’s smile was half soppy, half teasing. “That's all that I care about. _You_ are all I care about!”

Erik could feel the colour rising in his cheeks but, despite rolling his eyes at him, he couldn't resist a smile back:

“You’re ridiculous, but, fortunately for you, I like you too!” 

“Good! I’d be heartbroken if you didn't, oh yeah, that's right, I already did that!”

Erik stuck his tongue out at his boyfriend, the tension dissipating rapidly.

“Parents are weird.” Julian continued, “Well, mine are anyway! How did your folks take it when you told them?”

“Oh....er...well..the thing is…”

“You didn't tell them either”

“Erm no, not yet” Erik flinched, expecting his own anger returned and multiplied by his hypocrisy.

Instead there was only a sigh.

Julian reached for his hand again: 

“Not so easy is it?” 

“I’m sorry, Jule” Suddenly it felt like Erik’s turn to plead forgiveness. “I...I really don't know how!” 

“Well I don't know either!” Julian was smiling ruefully rather than angry. “I can tell you how **not** to do it though! I’ve no idea how we're meant to do this. I do know how much you mean to me though”

As he stared down at his hand clasped tightly in Julian's, Erik wondered _why_ he hadn't told his family. Julian was as much a part of his life as they were. He couldn't keep them separate. He wanted to bring Julian home and have him fussed over by his Mum, just as she had gone out of her way to make his sister’s boyfriend feel part of the family. 

“I want to tell them. I **will** tell them.” He was telling himself as much as Julian. 

“How do you think they'll react?” 

“I really have no idea”

“Well, I promise I’ll try to talk to mine properly.” Julian said “We’re not good at talking, at all, but I’ll try.” 

The arrival of the rest of the guests at their table put an end to their conversation for the moment. They were joined by Leon, Mats, and several more of Benni’s friends from university.

Pretty much everyone was seated and ready to begin, when the groom suddenly appeared next to their table. 

Benni tapped Mats on the shoulder:

“Hey!” he grinned and pulled his friend up from his chair and into another hearty embrace. “I haven't had a chance to speak to you!”

“You were busy.” Mats extracted himself from Benni’s arms and then smiled at him. “You look really good, mate. Really happy.” 

“I am!” Benni grinned broadly back at him. “I’m really glad you came”

“I wouldn't have missed it for the world”

“I’m sorry Cathy couldn't make it”

“I’m sure she is too”

The two friends looked at each other for a moment, and Erik wondered for a moment if he was missing something, but in an instant Benni bounced off again:

“I gotta go” he told the group, “I hope you enjoy the food. I’ll catch you later guys!” and he headed for the top table.

Although it took a while for all the guests to be served, when eventually it did arrive, the food proved to be excellent, as was the wine that had been provided in generous quantities. Erik found himself starting to relax and enjoy himself. 

As the meal progressed, it became increasingly difficult to ignore the fact that Leon kept being distracted by messages on his phone. The coy little smile that greeted each new alert gave a good idea of who was on the other end.

“Say ‘hi’ to Matze from us, won't you?” Erik said with smirk after the fourth time the phone has buzzed on the tablecloth. 

Leon feigned innocence: 

“How do you know it's Matze?”

“Is it?” 

“Er...Yes” came the bashful reply. 

There was a snort of laughter and a shake of the head from Julian: 

“Have you arranged to meet up again yet?”

“Not yet. Just messages at the moment” 

“Every thirty seconds?” 

Leon pouted but didn't reply. 

Julian held up his hands:

“Hey, I don't want to pry”

“Sure you do!” Leon smirked back at him.

“Are you all set for next term?”

Feeling like they were ganging up on Leon a bit, Erik thought he would change the subject.

“I haven't sorted somewhere to live yet which is a bit of a worry but there’s still time. I’ll find something, I’m sure. Matze said he’d put the word out.”

“Good idea” Julian nodded “Matze knows everybody!”

“He’s a mine of interesting information!” 

A raised eyebrow accompanied Leon’s comment and drew a frown from Julian. 

“Such as…?”

“Oh just that you and he were a ‘thing’ until he figured out you were basically already taken!” 

It was Julian’s turn to look rather pink this time, eyebrows skyrocketing. 

Leon carried on regardless: 

“Oh don't worry. I’m not super jealous or anything. I think he's ready to try a younger model!” 

The look on Julian's face at this made Erik collapse into giggles: 

“That serves you right for asking, you idiot!” 

It was fortunate (or perhaps prudent) that their table was at a distance from some of the older and less raucous guests, but the snorts of laughter and general giddiness continued throughout the meal, and drew more than one slightly disapproving glance from the more middle-aged diners. Benni’s other friends also proved good company and both conversation and wine flowed freely. Only Mats seemed somewhat subdued, speaking only when unavoidable.

Dessert and coffee was followed by speeches, all mercifully short and to the point. Benni’s eyes shone as he tried to describe how much his life had changed for the better since meeting Lisa. His words were almost superfluous as gratitude and devotion seemed to radiate from him, and were reflected in the lovely face of his new wife.

Once all toasts had been drunk, there was to be a pause whilst the room was rearranged for dancing. This was the cue to finish their drinks and move from the table back to the ante room where the champagne had been.

Erik had just turned to leave when his attention was drawn back to the table.

“Hey, careful there, mate!” 

Mats had managed to get himself tangled up in his chair as he stood up, and only Leon’s quick reactions had prevented him from smashing into leftover glasses and crockery. 

Even with Leon to prop him up, Mats was obviously having trouble standing up straight. 

He groaned and then mumbled incoherently:

“Sorry, oh god, I’m so sorry, sho sorry…” 

“Shit! How much has he had?” Erik hissed as he grabbed Mats’ free arm “He’s completely hammered!” 

“I didn't really notice” Leon seemed equally startled by how Mats had managed to get so drunk so quickly. 

“We should get him out of here before too many people notice” said Julian, ushering them towards one of the side exits.

“Good idea! And you might want to grab a jug of water off the table” added Erik “We can try to sober him up.”

They guided a heavily swaying Mats into the hotel corridor between the kitchens and the dining room, well away from the rest of the wedding party, and sat him down on the heavy plush carpet.

“Drink this” Julian handed him a glass of water, “Slowly!”

“We can't stay here” said Leon as he dodged out of the way of several hotel staff who were busy clearing away the debris from the meal. “Someone will trip over him!” 

“I’m sharing his room” Erik said “We can take him there.”

Julian took the now-empty glass from Mats and managed to hand it to a less-than-impressed passing member of kitchen staff. 

“Mats? We’re going to get you to your room, okay?” he said, attempting to help him to his feet. 

Mats looked at him for a moment with unfocused eyes, before his knees gave way again and he clung to Julian tightly.

“Baby Jule!” he slurred “It's baby Jule and baby Erik! Where’s baby Erik?”

“Here.”

Erik propped Mats’ arm over his shoulder, wondering how on earth he found himself answering to ‘baby Erik’. He had thought Mats was one of the grown up and responsible ones. How come they were having to look after him all of a sudden? 

“Aww!” Mats continued his rambling as they stumbled along the corridor “I was so pleased for you two getting together. Look at you! Love’s young dream! We were always rooting for you babies to get together, me and… You’re so lucky you know. You don't know. You gotta be brave though, you hear me, brave. No good being a coward. A coward and a fraud…”

Leon held the door for them as the group reached the elevator. Exhausted, they let go of Mats and he slid down the wall of the lift to the floor again. As the elevator began to ascend, Mats’ drunken rambling became tearful and maudlin, his head propped on his knees. Between whimpering sobs, the stream of consciousness continued:

“Such a coward...should have fought harder...just let him go and said nothing, nothing! And he's so happy. I wanted to be that happy, should be that happy…” 

“Should we do something?” whispered Leon, as they stood staring at their stricken friend. 

“I don't know. What is he on about?” Julian whispered back. 

“But then now she wants the flowers and the cake and there's the cars, the band, the rings, and, and, and, it's too much, it's too much, I don't want, don't want...but he didn't, he didn't want...I was never…” 

Erik was rather worried that he had an inkling of what might be wrong, but the arrival of the lift at their floor saved him from explanations. 

“Let's just get him up and into our room” he said, hauling the distressed man back upright. 

“Such a mess, such a mess!” Mats wailed into Erik’s shoulder. “It's easy for everyone else, but I’m such a mess!” 

“Shhh, shhh, it's okay, you’re going to be fine” Erik replied soothingly, but with a look of panic aimed towards Julian. 

He fumbled in his jacket pocket with his free hand, trying to find his key card, and handed it to his boyfriend. Julian unlocked the door and held it while Erik and Leon managed to manhandle Mats onto the bed, where he continued to mumble through choking tears. His whole body was shaking now and he gasped for breath between sobs.

“We can't leave him like this!” Julian looked really alarmed by the state Mats was getting into.

“I think he's going to be sick”

Leon grabbed a waste paper bin and sat it down by the bed. He knelt beside the bed, stroking Mats hair and talking softly to him in an attempt to get him to breathe more normally.

“I’ll call Marco” Erik said quickly, pulling out his phone “He knows him better than any of us.” 

Marco answered surprisingly quickly:

“Erik?” 

“Er, hi Marco”

“How's it going?”

“Er, well, it's not great. It's Mats”

There was a sigh on the other end of the line, as though this was not unexpected:

“What's he done?”

“He's drunk, very very drunk. We’re not sure quite how, and now he's crying.”

“Has he said anything?”

“A bit, but not much that we can work out.”

“And where is he?” 

“We’ve got him in our room, mine and Mats’ room I mean.” 

“Who is ‘we’?” 

“Me, Jule and Leon”

“And has anyone else seen him like this? He hasn't upset Benni or Lisa or any of their family or anything?” 

“What? Er, no, no we got him away from everyone else pretty quickly”

“That's something at least. Look, do you need me to drive over there? I can be there is half and hour.”

Erik glanced towards Mats. Leon was sitting on the floor next to the bed but Mats was now still and quiet.

“I think he’s passed out” said Leon. “He should probably sleep it off” 

“I don't think there’s any need for you to come” Erik spoke into his phone again “He seems to have passed out. I can keep an eye on him.”

“He won't be in a fit state to drive in the morning though” Marco paused to think for a moment “You can't drive can you?” 

“No. Mats gave me a lift.”

“Hmm...well, I’ll see if I can get Mario to drive me over tomorrow. You can go back with him and I’ll drive Mats’ car back once his hangover has eased enough for him to face the journey.” 

“It all seems a bit complicated!” Erik's head was reeling “What's all of this about anyway?”

There was another sigh from Marco:

“It's a long story, mate. I’d hoped that...never mind. I’ll see you tomorrow. Just, go easy on him, alright?” 

“Sure, of course” Erik was still confused but realised he was unlikely to get any answers just at the moment. “Thanks Marco. See you tomorrow”

He hung up and turned back to his friends. 

Leon stood up and gave an apologetic smile:

“I don't want to leave you guys in the lurch but I should really get back to my folks. They’ll be wondering where I’ve disappeared to.”

“Yeah, of course! Thanks so much for your help!”

“No problem. I hope he's alright”

“He will be” said Julian with a shake of the head “Thanks Leon. We owe you one!” 

As Leon left, Julian put an arm around Erik:

“You look tired” he said, “Are you okay?”

“I think so” Erik replied “it's just...I don't know…” 

“This really isn't how I saw today going” Julian smiled ruefully “I hoped this would be a nice time together! I’m sorry”

“It's not your fault, well, not all of it!”

Erik held tightly to him for a moment. Seeing Mats fall apart like that had really shaken him and he needed the solid comforting presence of his boyfriend for a while. He was lucky. He needed to remember that.

“You should go back too” he said, eventually letting Julian out of his embrace “I dread to think what your mother thinks we're up to!”

Julian rolled his eyes:

“Let her think what she likes!” he said “Are you going to be alright on your own?”

“I have sleeping beauty here for company! No, I’ll be fine. You go.”

“Call me in the morning” Julian kissed him goodbye

“I will do. Goodnight!”

 

The room seemed very silent once Julian had gone. Erik stood for a while watching Mats curled up on his side, listening to the steady, shallow rasp of his breathing. 

He had only ever seen Mats looking immaculate and cool and collected. He had always appeared to have such a perfect life and yet the facade had crumbled before their eyes.

Erik brushed the stale wine from his teeth and changed out of his tear-stained suit. He lay on the far side of the bed, across from his unconscious friend, and stared at the ceiling contemplating the complexities of people's lives.

...


	8. Chapter 8

Having been banished to the sofa bed in the lounge for the duration of the wedding and its immediate aftermath, Julian was grateful to be back in ‘the-guest-room-formally-known-as-his bedroom’ after the departure of his parents’ numerous friends. He was enjoying the return to peace and relative privacy, when it was interrupted by a shout from downstairs:

“Julian!” 

He sighed and closed his laptop. 

“I’ll be down in a minute, mother!”

 It was hard not to resent being expected to drop whatever he was doing at a single word, but he pushed the feeling away. It was his parents’ house after all, and after recent events it seemed much better not to rock the boat needlessly.

“Ah! At last!” 

It turned out they had yet-more guests, but this time Julian was not sorry to see them.

“Mrs Goretzka has brought Leon with her” Julian's mother was stating the obvious as though her son was still six years old, “Isn't that a nice surprise? I thought you two might want to go out in the garden, seeing as the weather is so lovely today?” 

Julian looked caught Leon's eye. Leon was rather obviously trying not to laugh. 

“Erm...sure.” 

Somewhat embarrassed, Julian led the way through the back door and out into the immaculately maintained garden. 

 

“This feels like old times!” Leon grinned, “Being sent out to play while the grown ups share the gossip?” 

Julian rolled his eyes and shook his head:

“We're always going to be children in their eyes, aren't we?”

“Hmm...maybe” mused Leon

“Ergh!” With a not un-childish groan, Julian flung himself face down onto the manicured lawn.

“So…” Leon sat on the grass beside him, “How are things?” 

“Peachy” Julian mumbled into the turf without lifting his head. He knew he shouldn't be taking his bad mood out on his friend but the claustrophobia of being back at home was getting to him. 

“Ah, that good, eh?”

“Hmmm”

“And how's Erik?”

At this, Julian rolled over onto his back, keeping his eyes closed against the bright mid-summer sun:

“He’s doing okay. I spoke to him once he got home after the wedding.”

“What happened with Mats in the end?”

“I don't really know. Apparently he was still asleep when Marco and Mario arrived, so Mario took Erik back and left Marco to deal with him.” 

“And do you know what it was about? Was he upset about Benni?” 

Frowning, Julian sat up:

“I don't know, I mean, it must be weird watching your best mate get married but it seemed a bit extreme. Erik was thinking that maybe his own wedding plans have been getting out of hand. Some sort of massive, lavish, expensive ‘do’, Erik said, but, at the same time, Mats seems reluctant to set a date. Smells of cold feet to me!”

Leon pulled a face at this comment. 

“Hmmm…” He didn't sound convinced “It can't just be that can it?” 

“He was wasted! Nothing makes much sense when you’ve had that much booze!”

“True, although Matze reckoned it was probably some sort of catharsis of deeply buried issues”

“Well he _would_!” Julian snorted “How is it he always gets in on everyone’s business?”

“He asked how the wedding went and I told him” said Leon, in a matter-of-fact tone, “I asked for his opinion and he gave it. He wasn't prying. He was concerned” 

Julian sighed. He had no right to snap like that. Matze was the last person to make entertainment of someone else's misfortune. 

“I’m sorry. I didn't mean...argh...I’m sorry. How is he? Enjoying the vacation?” 

“Yeah, seems to be. I’ve arranged to go visit him next weekend.”

“Ooh that sounds promising!” Julian actually managed to crack a smile at this.

 “We’re just going to hang out” There was a hint of smirk “Nothing special!”

“Oh yeah? Well have a nice time whatever you get up too! I was hoping to get away somewhere with Erik but we’ll need to hurry up and book some flights. I really need to get away from here for a bit.” 

“You do seem fairly grouchy! Is it trouble with your Mum and Dad?” 

Julian let out a groan, rolled back over onto his stomach, and buried his face in the grass again. 

“I’m going to take that as a ‘yes’!”  
Leon sat looking at Julian for a minute before prodding his shoulder:  
“So? You’re gonna have to elaborate, mate. I’m not a mind reader!”

With yet another petulant sigh, Julian hoisted himself up onto one elbow: 

“As I stuffed up the business of actually telling them about me and Erik, I promised him that I’d talk to them properly.”

“And it didn't go well?”

“Well, first I had to wait until the thousands of guests had finally gone home, and even then it took ages before I could get them in the same room.” 

He paused for a moment before beginning again:

“I sometimes think we’re the world’s most emotionally-stunted family! We really don't _do_ talking, not about emotional stuff anyway. I apologised for not telling them sooner. Mum didn't say anything at all at first, and Dad mumbled something about ‘as long as you're happy…” 

“Well that's not too bad!”

“Ha!” Julian gave a hollow laugh “It gets worse! When Mum _did_ start talking she seemed more worried about how it would affect my studies! She’s always been suspicious of Erik. It's so unfair, she barely knows him!” 

“She’s allowed to worry about you!”

It appeared that Leon felt himself in the role of peacemaker.

“Oh no, but then! _Then_ she said ‘well as long as you’re SAFE’ in a really pointed way and looked my Dad, who promptly went red in the face and announced he was late for golf. Clearly he was about as comfortable with the idea of having ‘THE TALK’ as I was! It was possibly the most cringingly embarrassing thing I have ever had the misfortune of suffering through!” 

Leon just laughed at him: 

“When did you become such a drama queen? Give them a break. It's all new to them too, you know. Surely you feel better for having tried to talk at least?”

“Not really” muttered Julian, “well….possibly. At least they know. That's something.” 

“Yeah, that’s something.” Leon agreed, before stretching himself out on the lawn again to bask in the sun. 

“How did you tell your parents?” Julian asked him

“Mine?” 

“Yeah. When and how?”

Leon pondered this for a moment before answering:

“Err...about 15ish I think, give or take. I told my Dad first, after we’d been to watch the match, I can't remember who we were playing… I kinda had to really because I’d let slip how smokin’ hot I thought our goalie was!” 

Julian stared at him. It was often difficult to tell whether or not he was joking. 

“Really?!” 

“Nah!” Leon grinned broadly at him “Not really. But he wasn't very surprised. Mum wasn't either. I reckon they probably knew. I'd never shown any interest in girls…”

He shrugged, and Julian couldn't help feeling slightly aggrieved that it should be all so simple and straightforward for some people and such a mess for others (himself in particular!)

“Well hopefully your Mum can give mine a few tips!” remarked Julian, trying, not quite successfully, not to sound bitter. 

Leon smiled, knowingly: 

“Why do you think I told her to drop by?” 

“You…?”

Julian stared at him in astonishment. 

“I thought it might help” Leon shrugged and smiled again. 

“That's...wow! I mean, thanks man! That's a really nice thought!”

“Well…now that you mention it, I _am_ awesome!” Leon lay back on grass and tucked his hands under his head “And it's about time you realised that, you grumpy old sod!”

Thus provoked, Julian wrestled his young friend into an affectionate headlock.

 

…


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As ever, this is FICTION and no slight is meant to the real people involved.

Erik hung up the phone.

He had nearly said ‘I love you’ but had for some reason substituted ‘Take care’ instead at the last second.

It had been a relief to hear Julian sounding a bit more positive. As painful as his attempts to talk to his parents had been, Jule now felt that there had been progress, slow progress, but progress nonetheless.

However, he was still keen that they should book a week away together, and Erik was running out of excuses with which to stall him. 

It wasn't that he didn't like the idea of spending time with Julian - somewhere warm and just the two of them - but there was the nagging feeling of being rushed into it that caused him to drag his feet.

There was also the fact that his own family were currently still very much unaware of his relationship. He owed Julian more than pretending they were just mates going off on a ‘lads’ holiday’ (which was undoubtedly the way his Dad would want to interpret it)

This thought was still playing through Erik’s mind as he set off with his parents to their favourite restaurant to celebrate his Mum’s birthday. His sister was working late so it was just the three of them for the evening.

Their waiter ushered them to a round central table, and Erik's father made quite a show of ordering a bottle of champagne and waving away his wife’s protests:

“Only the very best for my beautiful girl on her birthday!” he declared, leaning over to plant a kiss on her blushing cheek. 

“Aw, but it's too extravagant!”

“Nonsense! You deserve it! Don't you agree Erik?”

Erik smiled and reached for his mother's hand:

“Of course you deserve it, Ma! Happy Birthday!” 

“Thank you sweetheart” she said, squeezing his hand  

The champagne arrived, was poured, and toasts raised. Erik’s father seemed in a particularly convivial mood. Leaning across the slightly-too-large table towards his son, he remarked: 

“You know son, I sincerely hope you find yourself a girl as perfect as your mother!"

Biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself reacting, Erik merely nodded.

“Oh, and make sure she can cook too! That's very important!”

The smirk was irresistible this time. Julian _could_ cook, pretty well actually. It had been one of the first things Erik had appreciated when he had moved in, the sudden improvement in his diet!

The thought made his eyes sparkle and it did not go unnoticed: 

“Erik?”

His Mum was smiling with an expectant, ‘don't think for a second you can hide from your Mother’-glint in her inquisitive eye, “Is there someone you want to tell us about?” 

He hadn't exactly planned to tell them tonight, nor had he really thought through what he was going to say, but here they were, all together, celebrating love and family, and the opportunity seemed too perfect to resist. 

“Um...well, as a matter of fact..”

“I knew it!” she squeaked “Who is she?”

“It's Julian”

There was a pause. His mother's smile slipped to a puzzled frown. 

“You know, Julian Draxler? My flatmate? Well, he's kinda now my boyfriend.” 

Erik smiled hopefully at his mother, willing her to smile back, or at least to say something because the awkward silence was turning the feeling of warm, loving optimism to churning snakes inside him. 

“Ma?”

His chest suddenly tight, he reached out his hand to her again.The colour had drained from her face:

“Oh, darling, I…”

“Don't you dare!” Erik's father snatched his wife's hand away. Where his mother's face had been pale, his father’s was red.

“Pa?" 

“Don't call me that!” he spat venomously “No son of mine would… How dare you? On your mother's birthday! I...I can't…”

He sat frozen for a moment, eyes bulging, his fingers still tight around his wife's wrist as though to prevent her from contamination.

“But, please, just listen to me please!”

Erik's head was swimming, the sound of pumping blood rushing in his ears. He was dimly aware of the other patrons staring but he paid them no attention. Surely he could make them understand if they would just hear him out?

“We’re leaving!” His father stood up from the table dragging his mother up with him. “I can't bear to have him in my sight a moment longer!" 

Erik tried to stop him but he pushed past him. His mother's face was wet with tears as she looked back towards him.

“Mama?”

“I...I’m so sorry baby!” she choked out.

"Mama!"

“Come along Christine!” barked his father as he bundled he out of the door. 

The restaurant was suddenly eerily quiet. Erik slumped back down in his chair, trembling, struggling to comprehend what had happened.

...

Unable to ignore the buzzer any longer, Marco reluctantly paused the match (to protests from Mario) and went to see what kind of impatient asshole was demanding his attention at this time of night.

He opened the door. 

“Shit Erik! What happened to you?”

His friend's eyes were blood-shot and swollen, his face grimy from tears, and his voice when he spoke was cracked and hoarse: 

“Are you busy?” he asked haltingly “May I come in?”

“Er no, I mean, yes! For god’s sake come in! Jeez, what the hell happened?”

“I’m sorry. I tried to call but you weren't answering”

“Ah, shit.” Marco grimaced “I didn't hear it. We were playing FIFA…”

“Hi Erik!” A perky-looking Mario bounced up behind Marco “Come and join us if you like?”

Flinching, Erik fought back the scream of frustration because OF COURSE Mario was there too. Fortunately, Marco got in first:

“Erm, I think we're done playing tonight. I’ll call you tomorrow, yeah? We can rearrange?” 

“Er yeah, sure” Mario looked a little confused but was finally starting to realise that perhaps something had happened meaning his presence was no longer required. “Catch you later. I’ll see you, Erik. I hope...er...hope you’re alright 

Erik managed a thin smile: 

“Thanks Mario. Bye Mario”

Closing the front door behind his retreating friend, Marco shepherded Erik into the kitchen and sat him down without further questions. He fixed him a glass of water and then sat opposite, waiting patiently for when Erik was ready to talk.

“I told them" he eventually managed quietly "...about Jule” 

“Ah” 

Marco didn't have to ask how it went.

“It was so awful Mar! I never thought… I’ve never seen him so angry! Ma was crying…” 

He broke off, the words catching in his throat.

“Oh mate!” Marco stood up and swiftly wrapped the sobbing man in his arms, “Shh, it’ll be okay” 

“No it won't! I went after them. When I got home he...he wouldn't even let me in the house!” 

“But if you just give them some time? He might come round eventually?”

Erik shook his head:

“You don't know him like I do! I should have known he’d...but I'd hoped y’know? Everything was going so well. I thought that just maybe…” 

They sat in silence for a moment.

“Have you spoken to Julian?”

“He’s at the cinema tonight with Leon. Phone on silent. He won't be back yet.”

“Well you can stay here tonight and as long as you need. Mum and Dad are off hiking for the weekend but they'll be more than happy for you to stay anyway. And we'll see how things lie with your parents tomorrow. I’ll come with you if you like” 

Erik looked exhausted and about to start tearing up again:

“Thanks Marco” 

...


	10. Chapter 10

Pushing through the front door, Julian was met by the apartment’s unique and familiar scent, immediately triggering a wave of reminiscences and emotions. So much had happened since the first time he had set foot here it seemed bizarre that it had been only a little more than six months. However strange the thought, Julian had little time to dwell on it as the reason for the dramatic change in his life was waiting inside and needed him.

“Erik?”

His call was answered by the sound of footsteps, and a split second later Erik appeared in the living room doorway.

He hesitated, as though not quite sure of himself, before giving a shy, sad smile.

“Oh Erik!”

In a heartbeat Julian had dropped his bag, crossed the hallway and wrapped Erik into his arms.

“I’m so so sorry. I’ve missed you so much. I’m so sorry I couldn't get here earlier. I wish I had been with you.”

“I just glad you're here now.” Erik’s voice was almost a whisper “I missed you too”

The rage and guilt at what had happened to Erik were overwhelmed within Julian by the desire to protect his boyfriend from further harm. He wanted to wrap him up and hide from the pain and disappointments of the outside world, just the two of them.

“I wanted to get here sooner but Dad was off on a golf weekend and Mum needed the car so…”

“You don’t have to explain” Looking up into Julian’s face, Erik smiled at his ramblings.

“Yeah, but I really wanted to see you so…”

“Hey Erik!”

Leon stumbled through the door, encumbered by two more large bags.

“...so Leon borrowed his parents’ car” Julian finished his sentence slightly apologetically.

“Hey, man” Erik’s smile broadened and he stepped forward to take part of Leon’s load from him. “It’s really good of you to do this!”

“Nah, don’t mention it! Happy to help any way that I can! Am I dumping these in your bedroom Jule?”

“Yeah, thanks mate”

“Plus...” Leon continued as he shoved the bag through the door “...I’m going to take the opportunity to have a look at the spare room at Max and Andre’s place. Andre suggested I could move in with them when term starts.”

Erik frowned for moment and then shrugged “Makes sense!”

“Hmm...have fun with that!” muttered Julian under his breath. He hadn’t found those two the easiest of flatmates.

“Well I spoke to Andre last week and he thinks it’ll be fine. Can’t get hold of Max though. He went off travelling at the start of the vacation and no one seems quite sure where he is.”

“Oh I’m sure he’ll turn up” Julian didn’t seem overly concerned about Max. He was far more bothered about Erik’s situation.

He turned back to him and gently took his boyfriend’s hand:

“I’m going to make us some drinks and then I’m going to need you to tell me everything that I don’t already know.”

Erik sighed, his frown returning:

“There’s not much to tell. They’ve basically thrown me out, or at least made it very clear that I’m not welcome to stay at home any more. Coming back here just seemed like the best thing, although without anything from them the rent’s going to be a lot tricker”

“What about your sister?” Julian finished brewing the tea for himself and Leon, and handed Erik his coffee. “What did she say about it?”

“Lisa’s really angry with both of them. She tried to talk to Father but he refused to listen to her, and Ma just got upset, but I don’t want her to lose out too. Ma wouldn’t cope if she lost both of us…”

His voice broke slightly and he took a large swig of his coffee. The short walk from the kitchen to the comfort of the living room couch allowed Erik to regain a hold of himself, and he gave Julian a grateful look as the latter sank into the sofa beside him and reached to squeeze his hand.

Leon followed them:

“You know, if you need extra cash, I bet Matze will know someone who can give you a job” he said brightly.

“Matze does appear to know EVERYONE” Julian said through gritted teeth.

He was extremely grateful to Leon for the lift and it was really nice of him to be always trying to help, but right at this moment Julian just wanted to be alone with Erik.

Fortunately, Leon picked up on the territorial vibes and decided to rethink his need for tea:

“Well, yeah, I mean, you could always give him a call if...yeah... I should really go and have a look at that room…”

The stab of guilt at driving Leon away with his ingratitude didn’t stop Julian handing him his coat and walking him towards the door:

“Absolutely! I hope you like it. They’re fun guys to live with, honestly. You’ll have a blast! And thanks again for the ride. I’ll be sure to buy you a couple of beers soon, yeah?”

“Thanks Leon!” Erik called from the sofa.

“Take care guys! I’ll see you soon!”

With the door closed behind Leon, Julian took a deep breath before going back to the living room. He stood in the doorway for a moment just looking across at Erik, trying to work out if it was just his imagination that made him look older.

Erik spoke first:

“What did you tell your parents?”

Julian just about resisted the urge to roll his eyes:

“I said I was coming back here because you needed me”

“How did that go down? I don’t want them to hate me any more than they already do!”

“They don’t hate you! They just...don’t know you. And if anything this proves you’re a good influence - if we’re back here early then we can get a head start on reading for next term!”

Erik gave him an incredulous look:

“You’re planning on going to the library?”

“No!” grinned Julian “But they don’t have to know that!”

Erik’s laugh brought light to Julian’s heavy heart. He sat back down on the couch and put his arm around his boyfriend, drawing his head to rest against his chest. This was what he had missed more than anything while they had been apart, just the feeling of having Erik close to him.

“By the way,” Erik said “I have more news”

Julian’s face dropped but Erik continued:

“No, not about me this time! It’s Mario. Apparently he’s transferring back here, or trying to at least, but he thinks it’ll go through. Marco’s over the moon of course…”

“Oh, er, great.” Julian wasn't quite sure how to take this. Certainly Erik _didn't_ look over the moon. “I’ll look forward to meeting him. This a good thing, right? I mean, you're friends and everything’s worked out between him and Marco now, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah, it's just…” Erik began and then paused. “Nah, I guess I’m just tired, that's all. I’m so glad you're here!”

“Me too!” Julian squeezed him tighter “And we’ll work through this together I promise! Whatever it takes. I can look for a job too. You're not doing this all by yourself.”

“I think this means our holiday plans are over”

“They’ll keep. We’ll do it one day in the future, when things are better”

Erik tilted his head and looked up at Julian with wide eyes:

“And when will that be?”

“I don’t know” Julian looked back at him, softly stroking his cheek “but it will happen, I’m sure of it. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Drawing Erik’s face up towards him, Julian kissed him, gently at first and then with an increasing fervour as the pent up emotions of the last few weeks took hold, until Erik pushed him away.

“I’m really tired” he said ‘I’m going to get an early night”

“Oh, yeah, of course” Julian felt a clench inside but did his best not to show it as Erik stood up from the sofa. “Goodnight”

“Goodnight” Erik leant in for the briefest of goodnight kisses before heading to his room, leaving Julian alone with too many thoughts.

...


	11. Chapter 11

In the final days of the summer vacation and the first weeks of their second academic year, Erik and Julian managed to establish a new kind of domestic ‘normal’.

Finding a part time job had been surprisingly easy in the end. Not only did Matze know that his favourite bar was looking to take on extra staff, but it turned out that Ralf the bar manager was also a friend of Benni’s and willing to overlook Erik’s total lack of experience in order to help out a mate. Working mainly evenings would fit around his (mercifully infrequent) lectures and the easing of his money worries took a great deal off Erik’s mind.

The downside was that the time Erik and Julian could spend together was increasingly rare and precious. Late evenings at the bar meant that Erik became even less of a ‘morning person’ than he had been before. Julian no longer had to worry about getting into the bathroom before Erik, as it was seldom that he was even awake when Julian left for his morning lectures or lab sessions. They might snatch a couple of hours together in the early evening before Erik left for work, but their once-sacred ‘no work Friday nights’ had been sacrificed altogether.

Erik found the return of academic stresses almost a relief after the emotional trauma of the summer. Essays he could cope with, they made sense, he knew what was being asked of him and how to deliver it. The joy of archaeology was that these people were long dead, they couldn't hurt anyone anymore. The living were much more of a worry.

He hadn't heard from his parents since moving out, nor had he attempted to contact them. Most of the time he tried not to think of them, not to remember their faces, their shock and disgust. He hadn't want to talk about them either. It was too raw, and he didn't think he had the words to describe what he was feeling or to make Julian understand.

Having Julian with him was a comfort and felt like a return to better times. The months they had shared as flatmates, before things had gotten complicated, Erik recalled as some of the happiest of his life so far. He liked Julian’s cooking and waking up to the smell of toast and coffee in the morning. He’d missed lazy evenings eating junk food and binge-watching box sets. Even when he moaned about Julian wasting electricity or reluctantly admitted that it was his turn to do the dishes, a part of him grew nostalgic for their early days together.

But it wasn't the same as before. There had been a seismic shift in their relationship which both thrilled and terrified him.

…

Erik sat on his bed staring blankly at his open wardrobe, surrounded by discarded, rejected outfits, and swigging idly from a beer bottle. This was the first opportunity for a night out he'd had in ages and he had no idea what to wear. Getting ready was usually his favourite part of the evening, but _usually_ he would have something new to wear - new jeans or sneakers, _something_ at least - but with finances tight, he’d had metaphorically to tighten his designer belt. He hadn't been clothes shopping even once since he'd been back. It was weird...and depressing.

There was a knock on his door:

“Erik?”

Julian's head appeared around the door without waiting for an invite.

“Hey”

He frowned as he spotted Erik's despondent figure:

“What's wrong?”

Erik sighed, his shoulders slumped:

“Ugh! I’ve got nothing to wear!” he whined.

In the mirror Erik caught Julian rolling his eyes.

“You always say this and yet somehow you always manage to look drop-dead gorgeous! I mean, I know I’m biased but…”

He had crossed the room to stand in front of his boyfriend, placing both hands on his shoulders to look directly into his eyes. In spite of his bad mood, Erik couldn't help but smile.

“Well, yeah, you are biased... but I like it!”

“Good!”

Julian leant forward and kissed him, before stealing his beer, taking a swig, and sitting beside him on the bed (pushing various tops and trousers to the floor as he did so).

“Now” he continued “What's the _real_ problem?”

“I’ve nothing _new_ to wear” Erik mumbled, embarrassed by how shallow he sounded as he did so.

“Aha! That's more like it!” Julian rested his head in understanding on Erik's shoulder “It sucks and I’m sorry but...” he added brightly “...why don't you treat it as a challenge? You’ve always liked a challenge. I mean, you’ve styled my incompetent ass enough times!”

Erik raised an eyebrow:

“Hmmm... I _do_ rather like styling your ass as it happens…”

“Well then!” Julian smirked “I might let you get your hands on it again if it'll cheer you up!”

Erik pretended to think about this:

“I guess it might…”

“Or _I_ could dress _you_!” Julian bounced off the bed at this bright idea.

“Er...hell no!”

“What? Why not?”

“You just said yourself that you're incompetent!”

Erik felt a bit guilty at this rather harsh assessment, but that was the word Julian had used.

His boyfriend pouted and whimpered like a kicked puppy.

“Aww! You're mean! Go on! Let me! It won't be _that_ bad! I might surprise you!”

“Hmmm… I get the final say though?”

“Sure!”

“And I get to dress that cute incompetent ass of yours?”

“I still object to the ‘incompetent’ bit, but it's a deal! Now lose the shirt, Durm!”

The prospect of a challenge and the early buzz of the beer shook Erik from his gloom, and he set about rummaging through the racks of clothes.

Julian was already waving a t-shirt at him:

“How about this?”

“Nope, no, definitely not!”

“You’ve worn worse. Why do you even have these if you won't wear them?”

Erik didn't reply, but instead flourished a pair of designer ‘distressed’ jeans.

“What the hell are they?! My lab coat is in a better state than those! Did they have an accident in a bleach factory or something?”

“You’re hopeless! What about this shirt?”

“Okay, that I actually like” conceded Julian.

“Finally!”

Julian stood with arms outstretched like a mannequin as Erik slipped the shirt over his shoulders. The scent of his boyfriend’s cologne made him shiver, and he let his fingers linger over Julian's collarbone and down his chest. Looking up, he found Julian watching him closely, and he gave him a broad, teasing smile:

“Of course, I’ll be needing this back the second we get home!”

“Oh I’ll be sure to return it!” Julian grinned back and then drew Erik into an unhurried kiss.

“Mmm hmm make sure you do promptly!” Erik mumbled against his lips before pulling back. “Now, you're supposed to be helping _me_ find something!”

“Trust me, I have just the thing in mind!”

Diving into the wardrobe with the look of a man on a mission, Julian emerged a minute or so later clutching a pair of very narrow black trousers.

“Those?!” Erik looked aghast.

“Yeah! They look amazing on you! I remember them distinctly…” said Julian with a sly smile.

Erik blushed slightly but smirked back:

“I can barely get into them!”

“Well I’m more than happy to help! Plus if you need any help getting _out_ of them…”

“Hmm I’ll bear that in mind!” said Erik, taking the proposed garment from him with a wink “But we better hurry up. We’re already going to be late as it is!”

…

They were the last to arrive and had to squeeze onto the end of the line of tables that had been pushed together to accommodate such a large group. All the usual suspects were there, but one surprise addition caught Julian's immediate attention:

“What's Mats doing here?” he hissed at Marco as he sat down.

“Oh hi guys! Yeah, Sven’s working nights so he reckons he won't disturb him if he comes in late or something. I think that was his reasoning anyway.”

Julian stared at Marco like he was speaking Martian, and Erik looked similarly perplexed.

“Er...what?”

“Mats has been sleeping on Sven’s coach since the split. He must be a saint or something. There's no way I’d let anyone do that if I was doing Med-student hours!”

“Mats and Cathy have broken up?!” squeaked Erik in surprise, and then hastily lowered his voice as the object of their discussions returned from the bar. “Why the hell didn't you tell me?...us?!”

Marco gave a shrug that pleaded innocence:

“I haven't seen you. I thought you knew! I guess it just slipped my mind. Look, I know it seems bad, but it's his life and it might be for the best. He seems happy enough!”

‘Happy enough’ was currently trying to persuade some of the younger undergraduates to join him in a round of shots. Julian and Erik exchanged worried looks but Marco was drawn back into his conversation with Mario.

The setup of the seating meant it was impossible to speak to everyone and the large party naturally separated into smaller groups. From their position on the end, Julian had a good view of all the interactions.

Auba was back from vacation and sat alongside Marco, his arm around his waist. Usually the life and soul of the party, he seemed slightly subdued and quieter than normal. Marco, in contrast, was laughing heartily at some half-remembered anecdote of Mario’s and arguing over the details of ‘who said what to whom’. Roman was sitting on the far side of Mario, looking like a spare part and failing to get a word into the conversation.

André and Leah were all cuddled up and cosy at the far end of the table pretending to be interested in Max’s endless tall tales of his summer travels. Widened horizons didn't seemed to have mellowed Max but rather re-animated him, and there seemed to be much hand-waving as he described incidents that, judging from the reactions of his companions, you ‘had to be there’ to appreciate.

Sitting beside his new flatmates, Leon was more happily occupied with Matze. The early weeks of term had been so hectic that Julian had only seen Matze at their shared lectures, and this was the first time he'd seen the couple together.

“How are you finding living with that terrible pair?” Julian’s asked Leon, nodding towards a now-bickering André and Max.

“Oh it's fine so far!” Leon grinned “André's out with Leah a lot of course, and I’m used to having a sarcastic, questionably-dressed, bitchy-resting-faced Max in my life, so it's just like being at home really!”

Julian laughed but Max scowled theatrically:

“Great! I’m a substitute Max now too! Never the first choice am I?” he pouted.

“Aww! You’ll always be my first choice Maxie-Waxie!” André made kissy faces at him which earned him a punch on the arm.

“Domestic bliss!” smiled Matze. “Who could resist? Are you going to invite _your_ Max over one weekend? I feel like I know him already but I'd like to actually meet your BFF!”

“I’m not sure putting the two Maxes together would be a good idea. That level of sass might cause a tear in the time-space continuum or something!”

Sitting closer than was absolutely necessary, it was seldom that Matze and Leon allowed their attentions to be drawn away from each other. There was a great deal of whispering, private jokes, and ‘accidental’ touching. Despite the two men being essentially the same height, Leon spent quite a lot of time with his head slightly bowed, looking up at Matze through his lashes in a deliberate manner that could only really be described as ‘eye-fucking’. In return, the look in Matze’s eye was one Julian thought he recognised, only possibly more intense than he had ever seen.

Erik was also watching them with apparent interest. He had always seemed a little wary of public displays of affection. The occasional kiss on the cheek or holding hands when there weren't too many people around was as far as he would usually go, so Julian was surprised to find a hand on his knee that was slowly heading up his thigh. He tried to catch Erik’s eye but his boyfriend was seemingly too preoccupied with whatever André was telling them, although there was tell-tale smirk across his lips.

“Er...I think we're going to make a move guys.” Matze announced eventually.

“Good idea!” Max piped up “It's about time you guys got a room!”

“No way guys! It's still early!” Mats looked outraged “I thought we were just getting started! Everyone else is going on somewhere, right? Right?”

“Not us I’m afraid” said André, helping Leah into her coat and then cuffing Max round the ear because he mumbled something about being ‘under the thumb’.

“Well I’m up for it!” Mario was still a bundle of energy “Mar?”

Marco looked distinctly tempted for moment before reading the expression on Auba's face:

“Nah, not tonight. Have fun though!”

“Absolutely not! I have labs first thing.” Julian didn't even wait to be asked and the squeeze of Erik's hand in his told him that his boyfriend approved.

“God you kids are so boring!” Mats rolled his eyes “You’re coming aren't you, Roman?” (It looked as though Roman would get no say on the matter)

“Well I’ll go clubbing with Grandpa!” said Max “I could use more drink. And a lay. Preferably in that order.”

Mats looked delighted:

“Stick with me kid” he grinned, slapping Max on the back so hard he almost fell over “Watch a master at work! They won't know what's hit ‘em!”

“Dear God!” whispered Erik “Let's get out of here!”

…

Julian unlocked the front door to their apartment, while a relaxed and sleepy Erik draped himself across his back and nuzzled his neck.

“Hey honey, we’re home!” Julian nudged him off gently, but Erik caught his hips and pulled him into the hall:

“Mmmm Home, sweet home!”

Smiling in return, Julian kissed him softly.

They were outside Erik's bedroom door and Julian was just making to disentangle himself from Erik's arms and head to his own room, when Erik stopped him.

“Where do you think you're going?” he said with a sly smile.

Julian frowned and Erik’s smile grew wider:

“I think you’ll find I said I needed that shirt back immediately!”

Grabbing the front of the shirt in question, Erik pulled him gently but firmly into the bedroom, and Julian was never going to resist him. He kept his eyes fixed on Erik’s face as each button was unfastened and replaced with a kiss.

Erik’s eyes were dark, his face flushed as he finished his work on the buttons and glanced, smirking, back up at his boyfriend:

“And...erm...I seem to remember an offer to help me out of these ridiculous pants as well?”

With a growl, Julian’s hands were on Erik’s fly in an instant, peeling back the fabric as Erik fell backwards onto the bed. He could feel his heart thundering in his chest and he fumbled to take off his own jeans, almost falling on top of Erik in his haste to join him.

Taking Erik’s burning cheeks in his hands, Julian kissed those swollen, red lips until he was breathless. He had wanted this so badly for so long; the feel of Erik's body beneath his, the scent of him, the sound of his breathing, hot and heavy. His hands caressed soft flesh, drawing a whimper as his hands slipped lower, feeling him growing harder at the touch. Julian ghosted his fingers lightly over Erik’s thighs before wrapping his fingers around his cock.

Erik gasped, his eyes screwed tightly shut and his breathing uneven. Julian responded by placing a kiss on his collarbone and then continuing to kiss up the side of his lover’s neck as he moved his own insistent erection to slide against the one beneath him.

“Jule?!”

The sudden strangled cry made Julian freeze. Erik's body was rigid and trembling. As Julian turned to look into his face, a tear dropped from under the closed eyelids.

Julian's felt his stomach lurch:

“What's wrong?” he cradled his cheek, wiping the tear away with his thumb “Erik?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry...can we...stop...please? Please?”

Erik shifted underneath him and Julian rolled away, his body aching from the sudden loss of contact.

“I’m sorry, I’m so...I...I can't...I…” between racking sobs, Erik struggled to speak.

Bewildered by guilt, fear and frustration, Julian found himself unsure how to act and what to say:

“It's okay”

“It's not!” It was almost a scream. “It's not okay! I’m not...I’m so…”

Erik had curled up into a ball, pulling the bedsheets over himself as he did so. Desperate to do something but fearing making things worse, Julian stretched out his hand gingerly to pat Erik's arm.

“Shh... shh...” To his relief, Erik didn't flinch away from his touch. “Please tell me what's wrong!”

Julian managed to take his hand. It was shaking.

“I can’t! I...not now...I can't...could you...leave...please?”

Julian opened his mouth to protest. His instinct was to stay. Erik was hurting and he should protect him, but terrifying thought remained that in some way _he_ was the cause of Erik's pain.

He did as Erik asked.

“If that's what you want” he squeezed Erik's hand and paused before adding “Goodnight.”

Getting up from the bed, Julian scooped up his clothes and closed the door behind him. Rather than returning immediately to his own adjacent room, he locked himself in the bathroom, hoping the additional distance would muffle Erik's sobs and hide his own.

...


	12. Chapter 12

Erik lay awake.

The apartment was silent and still, but not with the contentment of sleep.

Erik hadn’t moved from where he had curled himself into the bed sheets in an effort to hide his shame and cowardice. Even once his tears were all spent, there was a heavy feeling of sickness that churned in his stomach and a spasmodic pain the wracked through his chest, as the events of the evening played over and over in his mind. The overwhelming sensation was of being trapped in a suffocating web of antagonistic emotions that he had no idea how to escape, and he hated himself for it.

He wanted to be with Julian. He loved him, desired him, but the same demons that had made him run from those feelings when they had first surfaced, were continuing to plague his heart. Having been so thoroughly taught that such instincts were sinful, and having spent his adolescence forcing away any flicker of attraction for his own gender, the sudden indulgence of sensuality had been too much for him. The guilt and disgust that had always accompanied his sexual longings in the past had reemerged to claim him.

There had been a time when Erik had thought he could run forever. He could take a different girl into his bed after every night out and fuck them and enjoy it. That was ‘allowed’. That was ‘normal’. That was enough. Hollow and empty perhaps, but fun and emotionally ‘safe’.

But then, out of nowhere, he had fallen in love, and despite his screaming, his running, his hiding, it had broken through every wall and every safeguard. The blinding joy of having love requited had been like nothing he had felt before, giddy and dreamlike. It had made everything seem perfect and anything seem possible, until the pain of reality had torn into him again.

Reality did not share his dreams.

Reality was the look of disgust on his father’s face and the tears in his mother’s eyes. Reality was the hold they had over him still; the power to make him feel guilty for his happiness, the power to make him flinch away from the man he loved, the power to make him destroy the most precious thing in his life.

He had pushed Julian away when he had wanted him close. He was scared of his feelings when he was touching him, and now terrified that he could lose him completely if he didn’t. He was a mess, a loser, a freak, and Julian deserved better. He had been selfish to want him. Julian could have been with perfect, well-adjusted Matze. He would have been happier with him.

The bleak early hours increased the toxicity of Erik’s sleep-starved thoughts, until physical exhaustion stilled the wretched charybdis of his mind into numbing blackness.

…

“To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?” Marco slid into the seat opposite Erik, “It’s been a while since we hit the shops. What’s the occasion?”

Erik squinted at him:

“I don’t want to go shopping. I just needed to speak to you.”

“But we only ever meet here when we’re going shopping so I thought…” his voice trailed off. “Wow! You look like crap!”

“Yeah, thanks!” groaned Erik, and then to the waitress that had appeared at their table: “Triple espresso please”

“I’m sorry. We don’t do triple espresso.”

“Then can I have two doubles then?”

She gave a curt nod.

“Jeez Erik!” Marco grimaced “Late night? Can I get a gingerbread latte? No cream. Cheers!”

“I didn’t sleep, no” replied Erik, as the waitress vanished again.

Marco leered and winked suggestively at this.

“Fuck off! No, not like that” Erik snapped “That’s kinda the problem I wanted to talk about”

The smirk dropped from Marco’s face.

“Oh”

There was a pause. Marco was clearly giving him the space to elaborate but Erik had no idea where to begin.

“It’s not… It’s not that I’m against the idea, at all...far from it! It’s just...er...new and...er...scary”

It wasn’t just that. It was more complicated than that, but Erik wasn’t keen to dredge everything up again.

Marco looked at him for a moment:

“Well...that’s...understandable” he said with a shrug “but it’s the same for Julian too, yeah?”

“Er...well...maybe not?”

Marco frowned

“Matze” Erik said simply, taking the rocket-strength coffees from the waitress and pouring both into one cup.

This time Marco’s mouth formed a wordless ‘O’

“Like...I haven’t actually asked him about it but I assume...I don’t really want to know...I mean, Matze knows what he’s doing…” Erik was tying himself up in knots.

Marco smirked at him over his latte:

“Just talk to him!”

Erik squirmed but Marco was persistent:

“Hey! You know how you two didn’t talk when it all went to shit before? You remember how miserable you were?”

“Yes” a reluctant mumble of a reply

“Well then!” Marco was triumphant “Idiot!”

Erik sulked a little for a minute. It wasn't as though Marco was wrong. Of course they needed to talk but he wasn't sure how to begin. He knew Julian must be hurting too. By the time Erik had woken that morning, Julian had already gone out for a run. They both needed a little space to think, but a nagging part of Erik feared that a little space might turn into an unbridgeable void.

“But it’s not just…” he began again. Without having things straight in his own mind, Erik was struggling to express anything coherently “I mean... it's like there's a mental block that I can't seem to get past because, well, when I was growing up my parents…”

“Fuck your parents!” Marco cut across him. “They made their choice. You can't let them control your life anymore!”

“It's not that simple! What would…”

Erik was interrupted by the bleep of Marco’s text alert.

“It's Mario”

Much to Erik’s dismay Marco opened the message and began to read.

“Update on last night” Marco said eventually “Apparently Mats got completely wasted again. Max and Roman had to put him into a taxi and take him home”

Marco rolled his eyes as though this were a regular inconvenience.

“Shit! But doesn't that worry you?”

“If Max is having to be the sensible one then we all should be worried!”

Erik was beginning to regret coming to Marco for advice. He seemed more interested in replying to Mario than discussing his problems with Jule.

"What about you and Auba?”

"What about Auba?” Marco was only half-listening.

“Well you went from friends to a couple. Did you have any problems?”

“Oh, we were already fucking” came the slightly dismissive answer as Marco continued to be preoccupied with his phone.

“I didn't mean that!” Erik was getting annoyed now “You two are supposed to be in a relationship!”

“What are you talking about?” Finally Marco deigned to give Erik his full attention.

“Maybe I’m not the only idiot who needs to talk to his boyfriend!”

“Everything’s fine with me and Auba!”

"Are you sure? ‘Cause he didn't look fine last night! Since Mario’s been back you treat Auba like _he’s_ the third wheel!”

“Ridiculous!”

“Is it? Last night you were arranging to go to that concert together right in front of him!”

“But I know he's not a fan. He wouldn't want to go!” protested Marco.

“But he might like to have been asked instead of being ignored! You pay him no attention when Mario’s there!”

“You’re talking nonsense!” Marco was on the defensive. “Auba’s not the jealous type. He knows Mario is my best friend!”

“But Auba should be your best friend!” Erik was emphatic. “That's how it works!”

“It's not the same!”

Erik took a breath and went for the kill:

“Are you still in love with Mario?”

“What? No!” Marco’s face was even paler than normal

“Are you sure? You were once. I know he broke your heart when he left. Can you really go back to being just friends?”

“Of course!” The reply was a hiss.

“You and Auba could have something great together but you’re risking it for a guy - a straight guy - who not only rejected you but also ran away from your friendship. And you’re so happy to forgive him? It’s that easy?”

There was a second’s pause. Marco looked like thunder.

“Julian forgave you” he said quietly.

Erik felt that blow land but refused to be derailed:

“Auba deserves more than being a second choice, a substitute!”

“And he isn't!” growled Marco through gritted teeth. “I love Auba”

"Then make sure he knows that because it sure as hell isn't obvious at the moment! Prove it! Show it!”

Marco sank back in his seat, thoughtful and defeated for the moment.

“Erik?” he said after a moment

“Yes?”

“You’ll try not to bite Julian’s head off when you talk to him, right?”

His customary smirk had returned.

Erik smiled sheepishly back:

“I promise I'll try”

...


	13. Chapter 13

Back-to-back inorganic chemistry lectures were always hard work, but Julian's concentration was worse than normal. The various properties of Lanthanide series elements _might_ have been fascinating on another day, but the situation with Erik was distracting from their particular joys.

In the week since he had left his boyfriend hurt and crying, the combination of university commitments and Erik's shifts at the bar had barely given them a chance to see each other, let alone talk things through properly. In any case Julian wasn't sure how to bring up the subject. Clearly something was very wrong but he didn't want to push Erik too hard for fear of him running away or closing himself off completely. He had decided to be patient and try his best to be there for whenever Erik was ready, but in the meantime Julian could not help but feel isolated.

Ideally he would have someone else to confide in, someone with whom he could talk the whole messy situation over, but no one seemed to fit the bill. Matze would probably have brilliant advice (because he always did) but talking to your ex about your current sex life (or lack thereof) seemed a bit (a lot) weird,and he wasn't entirely sure he could speak to Leon about it either. Benni was at least now back from honeymoon but he had been busy settling into married life and Julian hadn't seen much of him. He had been the one to whom he'd gone when things had gone wrong between him and Erik the first time, but it was always a bit like speaking to an older sibling and Julian wasn't convinced he’d have the particular insight required for this case.

The professor ceased his droaning, and a buzz of chatter broke across the auditorium as bleary-eyed, brain-numbed students took a break between lectures. Julian was woken from his thoughts by a ball of paper thrown at his head by Max:

“Earth to Draxler! Anyone home? I know that was a total snore-fest but you’ve zoned out completely!”

“Ugh sorry” Julian rubbed his eyes “I’m just a bit tired I think”

“In fairness this stuff is so dry Dr Tuchel looked as though he was struggling to stay awake in his own lecture!” Max emphasised this by stretching his arms out obnoxiously, totally ignoring the personal space of his friends sitting on either side. “That said, Tuchel always looks knackered - knackered and scruffy!”

“Toddlers” stated André confidently. “He gets no sleep. That's why he looks tired all the time.”

“How do you know this?” Julian was taken aback by his friend’s sudden expertise on their lecturer’s personal life.

“I don't. It's a guess.” André grinned. “It's our new game - making up backstories for each of the profs!”

Julian stared at him like he'd grown an extra head.

“Trust me, it beats listening to André’s vomit-inducing lovey-doviness!” added Max, avoiding the attempted whack on the arm that followed. “For example, I reckon the reason Weinzierl is grumpy all time is down to teenage kids and a messy divorce, whereas André thinks he had a research partner who discovered something important and ran off to be a big noise in California while he's stuck here teaching us lot!”

Just when he thought his friends couldn't be more bizarre, they continued to surprise him! Julian found himself grinning and shaking his head in disbelief. He was always grateful that they could cheer him up, but it was really little wonder that neither of these two were high on his list of potential confidants!

“Ok then!” Julian was happy to indulge them “What have you got on Prof Hecking?”

There was an evil cackle from Max:

“Oh that’s easy! We reckon he’s probably on the second or third trophy wife by now!”

“Ouch! Bit harsh?” Julian winced but he couldn't resist a smirk. He'd had too many run-ins with the professor to be entirely sympathetic.

“And don't forget the mid-life crisis car!” giggled André “That's a given, right?”

“Oh but speaking of mid-life crisis...” Max’s tone changed along with his subject “Is your mate Mats on a mission to sleep with half the campus or something? Or can he not find women his own age?”

Julian cringed:

“He’s Benni’s mate, not mine, and I have no idea what's going on with him.”

“Well you might wanna get Benni to have a word with him before he makes a total fool of himself!”

“Hmmm” Julian frowned. If Mats was the advert for the free-and-single life then he never wanted to be single ever again.

André swooped in quickly to change the subject:

“Do you have any plans for your birthday, Jule?”

"Yeah, are you having a party?”

“I doubt it” came a sighing reply “Everything's just a bit busy at the moment. It’ll probably be a quiet one.”

Any further discussion was curtailed by the dimming of the lecture theatre lights signalling the start of “Lanthanides part 2: The revenge”.

…

A microwave meal for one and the trashiest dregs of Netflix was perhaps not how Julian would have chosen to spend his birthday in an ideal world, but at least there would be no dirty dishes and he could justify putting off writing up lab reports for the evening.

He was just beginning to consider that maybe he would get an early night, when there was a sound at the front door.

“Erik? Is that you?” he yelled from the sofa.

“It's me” came the reply from the hall “It's not a burglar. It's me.”

“I thought you had to work tonight?”

Erik appeared in doorway of the living room looking tired but smiling:

“I did, but then I let slip it was your birthday and, because we were quiet, Ralf let me go early! I’m so sorry I haven't had time to get you a proper present or anything, but I bought ice cream on the way home.”

“Sounds perfect to me!” Julian grinned.

Erik dropped the shopping bag onto the table in front of the couch:

“Great! I’ll fetch the spoons”

“Nah, wait a minute” Julian caught his sleeve “Can I have a birthday cuddle first?”

Erik gave him a soppy, indulgent smile and joined him on the sofa:

“Happy Birthday” he said, kissing him softly. “I’m so sorry we didn't get to celebrate properly.”

“S’not important” said Julian, stroking Erik’s cheek “I’m just glad to have you here. I don't need parties or presents. I just...really want you.”

As he said this, something flickered across Erik’s face. A moment later, Julian found himself forced backwards into the couch as Erik kissed him forcefully and then began awkwardly fumbling with the front of his jeans.

It took a second before Julian could process what was going on. Erik had kissed him this aggressively before and Julian could tell all was not right.

“Mmm Erik?” Julian tried to ease Erik away as gently as he could, “Erik I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean you had to…”

Drawing back, Erik stared at him with wide confused eyes.

Reaching out for him again, Julian pulled him into his arms:

“Shh… I didn't mean...you don't have to…”

“But, but I _want_ to, it's just, I...I..” Erik’s voice sounded somehow fragile.

“It's okay. Honestly, it's okay if you’re not ready. I don't want you to force this.”

Julian loosened his grip a little so that the could look at each other, so that Erik could see that he meant it.

“I don't want this to come between us” he said earnestly, but then stopped as Erik snorted and smirked. Julian’s face cracked into a smile too as he realised what he’d said:

“Er...ok, unfortunate choice of words!”

Their laughter eased the gnawing tension and Erik relaxed again, resting his head on Julian’s shoulder.

“You know I’m not going anywhere though? Whatever happens?” Julian continued softly.

“I know” Erik squeezed his hand in his “and I really _do_ want to. I want you. I just... I’ve got a lot of baggage, you know?”

“I know. And so have I. It's new to me too. I have no idea what I'm doing so it's likely to be a bumpy ride!”

Erik burst into giggles and Julian turned scarlet this time.

“Aw shit! I'm really not good at this talking business! It's coming out all wrong! Shit!”

“No no! It's good! It's good!” Erik gasped between laughing “This feels more like us. I'm sick of all the stress and heavy stuff. Laughing is good. I don't want all the guilt and shit. I don't want to be serious, I mean I know this stuff is serious, maybe it should be serious, but not scary serious!”

“I’d hate it if you were ever scared of me” Julian gripped Erik's hand a little tighter, the mirth disappearing “or if you were scared when you were with me. I couldn't bear that!”

“I’m not” Erik’s voice was quiet. He pushed himself up again and looked into his boyfriend’s eyes “I know I’m always safe with you. I love you. I love you more than anyone else or anything else in the whole world. You are everything to me.”

“I love you too. I think I've proved I'm no good with words but I love you too.”

Erik kissed him and then leant against him again.

The TV was still on but Julian wasn't watching. He was turning those soft ‘I love you’s over in his heart.

They had both said those words before, had screamed them in reckless violent declarations, hurled them like emotional grenades, more designed to shock than to cherish.

But here, in the most boring and unromantic of settings, with their relationship far from perfect, they were the most precious gift Julian could have hoped for.

“Oh crap, the ice cream!”

Julian laughed again as Erik jumped up and ran to the kitchen for spoons.

They ate semi-liquid ice cream straight from the carton, while making bitchy comments about the desperate reality TV wannabes.

Erik was still cuddled up against him as Julian failed to stifle a yawn.

“It's late” Julian whispered “Bedtime”

Erik groaned and wriggled:

“Mmm...I suppose...but...Jule?”

"Hmmm?”

“Could we…? Can I maybe sleep in your bed with you? Not to _do_ anything, just to be...well...like this?"

A warmth spread through Julian's chest and he tried not to smile too broadly.

“Yeah. We can do that. That’d be good.”

….

Julian woke to the buzzing of his alarm, warmer than normal and with a dead arm. He blinked and found Erik curled against him, asleep with his head on Julian's chest, his hair just tickling his chin.

“Erik?” he whispered.

There was no reply.

“Erik?”

An incoherent gurgle:

“Whaagh?”

Erik jerked his head up suddenly and managed to catch Julian squarely on the chin.

“Ow!”

“Argh! Shit! Sorry! Sorry!”

Julian smiled ruefully and rubbed his sore chin:

“Well that's one way to say ‘Good morning’, but I think I'd prefer a kiss next time!”

Erik looked mortified and put his hand up to soothe Julian's bruised face:

“I’m so sorry!”

“S’alright” grinned Julian “I’m sure it was an affectionate head butt, but I think we might need more practice to do this better.”

Erik smiled back and kissed him:

“Good morning”

“Good morning!”

…


	14. Chapter 14

Somewhere between the lunchtime cheeky tipplers and the frantic post-work scramble for much-needed alcoholic refreshment, there was usually a pleasant lull in activity at the bar, when staff could change shifts, catch a breather, and get things set up for the evening's business.

Erik had arrived straight from a tutorial, and had stowed his books in the back office before changing into his work clothes. At one stage, he had thought about getting some specific outfits for work (this being more of a ‘craft beer & beards’ kind of a place than the bars he was used to hanging out in) but time and financial constraints had meant he’d ended up at something halfway between his ‘slobbing on the couch’ outfits and his ‘dressed to kill’ wardrobe, which fortunately seemed to work well enough.

In fairness, he needn't have worried as Ralf seemed unconcerned with how his staff dressed so long as they were doing their job. Erik was just one of several students on the team balancing shifts with lectures and essay deadlines, so there was usually plenty of sympathy if someone had a scheduling crisis and needed a shift covering at the last minute. The prospect of a night on the sofa with pizza, box sets, and Julian, had evaporated when the text had come through that morning:

“Thanks again for doing this, Erik.” Ralf had his head inside one of the bottle fridges and was busy restocking the mixers, “I hope you didn't have to cancel any exciting plans.”

“No, nothing exciting” Erik replied, handing him a crate of tiny tonic water bottles.

It wasn't going to have been exciting, but he _was_ disappointed to be missing quality time with his boyfriend. Julian would understand of course, and he could always use the extra cash, but, between work and academic commitments, they had spent precious little time together in the weeks since Julian's birthday.

“Actually,” said Ralf, straightening himself up “if you wouldn't mind finishing off up here, I need to go and change a couple of barrels while we're quiet.”

“Sure! No problem”

“Good man!” and with a hearty thump on Erik's shoulder, he disappeared into the back.

The mundane ‘busy’ of refilling optics, polishing glasses, and wiping down the bar, Erik tended to find rather soothing. It stopped his mind wandering too much onto more complicated emotional things, and gave his brain a break from juggling complex archaeological theories and concepts.

He was just bending over to sweep up a spillage of potentially-lethal rogue ice cubes, when there was a wolf-whistle from the bar above:

“Nice ass barmaid!” Erik could hear Marco's shit-eating smirk in his voice.

“I can and will have you barred for comments like that!” pouted Erik as he stood up.

“You’re right” Marco put his hand on his heart “and I’m truly sorry!”

“How’s it going Erik?” Auba chose wisely to ignore his boyfriend's shenanigans.

“Good, man. You?”

“Yeah, good thanks!”

“What brings you two here at this time?” Erik asked. “This isn't your usual hangout”

“Well it _could_ become our new regular” said Marco “I mean, _if_ there was a baby-faced barman who could slip us a few freebies…”

A loud cough heralded the timely reappearance of Ralf.

“Absolutely not!” said Erik firmly “Out of the question!”

“Is the correct answer!” Ralf declared with a nod and a grin. “Carry on!”

He left them to it and went to shift some of the furniture at the far side of the room.

Marco grimaced:

“Eek! Big scary boss!”

“Nah, he's not at all!” laughed Erik “Now, what can I get for you that-you-will-be-paying-for-in-full? We accept cash and cards, by the way…”

A large group of Friday-celebrating students had just arrived and were busy installing themselves across half the seating area.

“I’m just going to grab a couple of chairs before you get busy” said Marco, eyeing the boisterous new arrivals suspiciously “but I’ll have whatever he’s having.”

“Just a couple of beers to start” said Auba as Marco left.

Erik fetched the glasses.

“Are you meeting anyone else here?” he asked, pouring the drinks.

“No it's just us. We thought we'd have a quick drink before we go out to dinner.”

“Dinner, eh?” Erik raised an eyebrow “That sounds a lot like a date!”

Auba grinned broadly:

“Hmmm, yeah, it does doesn't it?!”

Erik’s smile matched his friend’s.

“And we're not the only ones!” Auba continued with a mischievous glance around him “I _might_ have set Mario up with a girl in my housemate’s class…”

“Oh really!” Erik smirked back at him “That was nice of you!”

“Wasn't it? She is a lovely girl though. They should get along really well I reckon”

“The only seats left are those really uncomfortable benches” Marco moaned as he rejoined them, “A load of first years just took all the sofas!”

“Tsk, kids!” Erik shook his head “No respect for their elders! Well you can always sit at the bar, grandpa, and I might be able to stretch to a few free peanuts without too much fear for my job. How about that?”

“Oh alright then.”

Marco and Auba settled themselves at one end of the bar while Erik was occupied with the sudden surge of thirsty revellers.

By the time they had finished their drinks, things had quietened down sufficiently for Erik to snatch a quick conversation with Marco whilst Auba was in the bathroom:

“So...” Marco began, with a significant look, “ how are _things_?”

“Better” said Erik “not perfect, but better.”

“You talked?”

“Yeah”

“Good!”

“And what about you?” Erik asked “How are _things_?”

“Better” Marco gave a half-smile “not perfect, but better!”

“You talked?”

“Yeah!” A broad smile this time, that was returned:

“Good!”

Auba returned and they started gathering up their coats.

“Enjoy the rest of your evening guys!”

“Cheers Erik! See you soon, yeah?”

“Yeah, that'd be good! Have fun!”

….

With his cosy evening in ruins thanks to Erik's unreliable coworker’s last minute essay crisis, on the way back from his afternoon lectures Julian made the spontaneous decision to call on Benni and Lisa.

“Jule!”

Benni looked slightly scruffier than usual when he opened the door and certainly surprised to see him.

“Hi Benni”

“Is everything ok? Has something happened?”

Julian couldn't help a smile at his friend’s concern and immediate assumption that him turning up unannounced must be due to some disaster or other.

“Nothing's happened! Everything's fine. I was just passing and thought I'd say ‘hi’ that's all. Is this a bad time?”

“No no! Come in.” Despite seeming a little flustered, Benni smiled and beckoned him in “The place is a bit of a mess I’m afraid so you’ll have to excuse that. I haven't seen you in ages! You look really well. How are you? How's Erik?”

Julian followed him into the living room.

“Yeah, cheers, we’re both fine, thanks.”

What Julian **wanted** to say was something along the lines of ‘ _I_ _probably_ _look_ _well_ _because_ _I’ve_ _been_ _running_ _most_ _mornings_ _lately_ , _partly_ _due_ _to_ _the_ _frustration_ _that_ , _while_ _it’s_ _true_ _that_ _Erik_ _and_ _I_ _are_ ‘ _fine_ ’, _I_ _am_ _now_ _scared_ _to_ _touch_ _him_ _or_ _try_ _much_ _more_ _than_ _the_ _most_ _chaste_ _of_ _kisses_ _for_ _fear_ _of_ _him_ _freaking_ _out_ _again_ , _and_ _though_ _we_ _now_ _sleep_ _in_ _the_ _same_ _bed_ _occasionally_ , _that_ _is_ _as_ _far_ _as_ _things_ _have_ _gone_ , _and_ _I_ _am_ _only_ ‘ _fine_ ’ _with_ _that_ _because_ _I_ _have_ _to_ _be_ ‘ _fine_ ’ _with_ _that_!’ but he didn't say that.

Even if he had planned to confide in Benni (and he hadn't actually thought it through that far), there was something in his friend's manner that made he suspect that now was not the time.

Instead he said:

“I just wanted to pop in and see how you were really. I haven't really seen you since the wedding and you never seem to answer your phone or reply to your messages. How is wedded bliss?”

Benni sighed:

“I’m so sorry I’ve not replied. Things have been really busy.” He smiled weakly “Wedded bliss is suitably blissful, of course. It's everything else that's been hectic!”

“Like what?”

“Well like job hunting for one. Proper grown up jobs. Plus house hunting as well. We kinda need to move somewhere a little bit bigger than this and my post-doc money isn't going to cut it i’m afraid. So I’ve been a bit rubbish about letting other things slide. I’m glad you're doing okay though!”

Now he could see him properly, Julian could see the tell-tale bags beneath Benni's eyes, and he felt slightly guilty that he had assumed Benni's lack of communication had been due to cosy marital domesticity and a disregard for his other friends.

“Oh it's okay, I completely understand! We’ve been really busy too, and kinda wrapped up in our own problems!”

“Problems?” Benni frowned “I thought you said you were okay?”

“We are, we are!” Julian said rather too hurriedly, “It's just since Erik...you know what happened with Erik's parents, right?”

“Yeah, kind of. I got a call from Ralf about Erik going to work for him, and he mentioned something, I think. How awful! Is he okay?”

“Well not really, but he's keeping it together. The thing is it's really hard work balancing work and uni, so we don't get to spend as much time together as I’d...as we would like.”

“No wonder! That must be hard.” Benni shook his head and sighed again “I’m sorry I haven't been around.”

“Er...yeah, about that...there was another thing” Julian grimaced before asking “Have you seen, or spoken to, Mats at all recently?”

“Not recently” Benni frowned “I’ve not seen him since the wedding. He didn't call when he and Cathy split. I only found out via a friend of Lisa's who knows Cathy from work. After that I left a couple of answerphone messages and eventually he sent a text saying that he was doing okay.”

“Well, it's not really my place to say, but I’m not sure he is!”

“Shit.” Benni put his head in his hands “Maybe I should have gone to see him. I’ll try calling again, definitely.”

“That might be a good idea” said Julian gently. He wasn't sure he'd done the right thing in bringing up Mats. Benni looked as though he had enough on his plate without having to deal with whatever Mats’ problems were.

Looking up again, Benni seemed to remember his obligations as host:

“Would you like to stay to supper? Lisa had an appointment after work but she should be back soon.”

“Nah, I’ve got a literature search to finish, but thanks! Like I said, I was just stopping by to say ‘hi’ really.”

He might have stayed if it weren't for the nagging feeling that something had happened that Benni wasn't telling him. This had always been his refuge in a storm, the place he could run to, and Benni the person he could confide everything in. This time however, something had changed, subtly perhaps, but nonetheless unsettlingly.

“It was lovely to see you, anyway. We’ll catch up properly soon, yeah?”

“Yeah, that'd be nice. Give my love to Lisa. Bye Benni!”

“Bye Jule"

 

...


	15. Chapter 15

“Are you going to be alright getting home?”

“Yeah fine. My boyfriend’s picking me up. Are you sure you’re okay closing up?”

Erik nodded:

“Ralf will be staying to cash up anyway, so between us it’ll be fine. You go, but thanks for staying on late, Anke!”

His co-worker grinned and blew him a kiss as she grabbed her things and headed for the door:

“No problem, sweetie! Night night Erik! See you Monday, Ralf! Sweet dreams cherubs!”

“Did she just call us ‘cherubs’?” Ralf emerged from the office looking nonplussed.

“Yep”

Ralf shook his head and began clearing the last of the empties from the top of the bar:

“Well I’ve been called worse, I suppose. I like the violet hair too. It suits her better than that weird shade of green she had last week.”

Erik smiled fondly:

“She’s a bit of a loony!”

“That she may be, but she’s _our_ loony and that's what matters! Now, if you don't mind putting the chairs up and getting started on the floor, I can finish up locking the safe and then give you a hand. Deal?”

“Sure”

It had taken rather a long time to remove the last few straggling patrons after closing time, and that, combined with some short-staffing issues, meant that it was already the early hours of the morning before Erik and Ralf were ready to lock up.

They had just stepped outside and were about to pull the shutters, when the sound of a scuffle drew their attention.

A small group of drunks had evidently been thrown out of the club at the end of the road, and were now carrying on their disagreement in the street. There was a fair amount of snarling and shoving, with a couple of short, heavy-set guys seeming to have taken objection to the obviously-intoxicated attitude of a taller, dark-haired man.

As one of the shorter men threw a punch, the dark-haired man stumbled backwards into the illumination of a street lamp.

“Oh shit!” yelped Erik “Mats!”

Within seconds, Ralf had managed to get his 6’5” muscular frame between Mats and his attackers. No longer having the advantage of numbers, the two men instantly thought twice about hanging around and ran off at the sight of the snarling barman.

Erik went to the aid of his stricken friend in the gutter.

“Mats! What happened? Are you okay?”

Lifting Mats head, it became apparent that the blow had caught just below the eye and a dark trickle of blood was already seeping from a gash in his cheek. His eyes were unfocused, although it was hard to know if that was merely the effect of the booze.

“Erik?”

“Shit Mats!”

“Let’s get him inside!” Ralf hoisted him upright, throwing Erik the keys and motioning to him to unlock the door they had just come through.

“Ralle?”

“Hello, mate.” Ralf manhandled a very unsteady Mats into the darkened bar “Long time, no see. Now why don’t you just have a seat on this sofa here and we’ll get you some water, yeah?”

Mats collapsed sideways into the offered seat.

“I’m going to get something for that cut as well, if you’re okay to sit with him?”

“Yeah, of course!” replied Erik, as Ralf went in search of the first aid kit.

Erik found a couple of cocktail napkins to stem the worst of the bleeding and sat beside a chastened, slowly swaying Mats.

“Hey” Erik began softly “So then? Are you going to tell us what happened?”

“I don't really know” Mats winced and frowned “We were all just having a good time, y’know? Me and a load of the young lot. They’re fun! It was great! But then they all disappeared. And I’m not sure what happened after that. I was just hanging out, minding my own business, and then this meat-head starts accusing me of hitting on his boyfriend, which is frankly ridiculous because he wasn't even hot…”

“And you told him that?” Ralf grimaced as he handed over a large glass of water.

“Erm, I’m not sure?”

Sighing at this answer, Ralf set about fixing up the cut on Mats’ face, giving him a towel full of ice to press against his rapidly-swelling eye.

“But what’s really going on, Mats?” Erik sounded frustrated “You’ve been acting weird for months! All this drinking and partying? This isn't you!”

“Isn't it?” From under the ice pack Mats’ voice was cracked “Tell me what is then! ‘Cause I don't know anymore!”

Erik and Ralf exchanged worried looks but kept silent as Mats continued, the words tumbling out, uncontrolled:

“I don't know anything! I messed up. Again! It was all going so fast. It all got out of control so I thought if we could just...if it stopped I could catch up. But I messed that up too and then there was nothing. It was going to be fine. It should have been fine. If we got married then everything would be perfect but then it was too fast and I wasn't...I wasn't sure. I still...I mean, it still hurt when he…Seeing him all married like that. He just replaced me, you see? One minute we were...and the next…”

He waved his hand dismissively, spilling quite a bit of water as he did so.

Erik frowned again:

“Wait...Is this...Benni?”

Mats stared at him as though he was an idiot:

“Of course! Who else? We were...we were...I don't know what we were! We never called it anything but I wanted...I thought that he...but he just ended it! He met her and he ended it. He replaced me, and I lost...my best friend, and it hurt! But he was so happy. And then I met Cathy and she was so beautiful and so sweet and so perfect. I wanted perfect too. Why shouldn't I be happy too? Because I mess everything up, that's why! It was so easy for him! Letting me go, choosing her and being married and happy! So easy for him! Well it wasn't easy for me!”

With this he dissolved into choking sobs.

Despite still trying to make sense of what he’d just heard, Erik put his arm around him and pulled him into a reassuring hug. Looking over towards Ralf, Erik found that his boss looked concerned but not completely surprised at Mats’ confession.

“We should get him home” Ralf said gently. “Do you know the address?”

…

It was fortunate for Mats that Sven has just returned from a late shift at the hospital when they reached the shared flat, so Erik and Ralf were able to leave him in the medical student’s capable hands.

As the door of apartment closed behind them and they made their way down the stairs, Erik grabbed at Ralf’s elbow:

“You knew about this?” he hissed “Mats and Benni?”

Ralf shrugged:

“Not all of it. It was never a secret that they were more than friends. But that was years ago. It wasn't serious, or at least I never thought it was.”

“He can't go on like this. Can _you_ get through to him do you think?”

Ralf look skeptical:

“I doubt it. We were never close. He was Benni’s friend. Does Benni know he's like this? Has he seen him? Talked to him?”

“I don't know.” Erik shook his head “I suspect not. He can't know how bad he is! I have to tell him. He has to talk to him! This is such a mess and I suspect Benni’s quite a lot at fault!”

“It's probably complicated” said Ralf “These things usually are, but right now we all need sleep. I’ll give you a lift home.”

…

Erik pushed the front door of the apartment and tiptoed around the pile of abandoned sneakers in the hallway, trying to be as silent as possible.

He stopped by Julian’s bedroom door and peeked inside. Julian was curled up on his side, sleeping peacefully.

Having quickly ditched his work clothes and brushed his teeth, Erik crept back into Julian’s room and climbed into the space beside him. After the tumult of the last hour or so, he craved the security of Julian’s warm, comforting presence and the steady, gentle sound of his breathing.

He wriggled a little closer to the sleeping man and pressed the lightest of kisses to back of his neck.

“I love you so, so much” he breathed “please never leave me”

...


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual this is complete FICTION  
> (I don't know what Julian's brother's girlfriend is called. Like everything else, it's made up)

Julian's eyes fluttered open at the buzz of his alarm. He became aware of an arm draped across his waist and the gentle snuffle of breathing just behind him. The realisation that Erik must have crept into his bed whilst he slept dawned through his newly-woken consciousness, mixing a warmth of contented domesticity with a slight shiver of longing.

Despite a yearning to stay tucked up with the man he loved, the tedious reality was that he needed to get up, showered and dressed in order to make 9am labs, and he could ill afford to risk the wrath of the professor by showing up late. Slipping out from under Erik’s arm as gently as he could, Julian dropped a tiny kiss into the sleeping man’s ruffled mess of golden brown hair before heading for the bathroom.

…

Retrieving his bag and coat from the laboratory lockers at the end of a particularly long and tedious session of synthesising aromatic compounds (that had involved not one but two small accidental fires), Julian found he had a voice message:

“Julian? This is your mother. Please call back as soon as you get this. It's very important. Goodbye.”

He rolled his eyes at the implication that he wouldn't recognise his own mother’s voice, and at how she managed to sound as though she'd never encountered an answerphone before.

However, it was a bit odd for her to phone at all. Barring the standard messages on his birthday, contact with his parents had been pretty minimal since the start of term, but that was not unusual.

As she had said ‘important’ rather than ‘urgent’, Julian reasoned that it could wait until he’d got back to the apartment and made himself a sandwich. Conversations with his mother rarely involved much input from his side, so he could probably get away with eating at the same time.

…

“The Draxler residence. Who is calling please?”

“Hey Mum. It's me.”

“I gave you a perfectly good name Julian, and don't say ‘hey’.”

Resisting the urge to hang up immediately, he chose to ignore this opening remark and instead took a deep breath:

“You said it was very important?”

“Oh yes! Yes it is.”

There was an infuriating pause.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“What is this important thing?”

“Ah! That! Your brother’s getting married.”

“Oh! Okay?”

This was news certainly, but not altogether a surprise. Patrick and his girlfriend had been together a while.

“Is that your only reaction, Julian?”

“Er, I’m very happy for them?” Julian ventured, not entirely sure what reaction his mother was expecting. “But why didn't Paddy call or text to tell me himself?”

“Oh well, frankly he didn't seem excited enough by the whole thing. You know what he's like. He thinks he wants to keep it all ‘low key’ and ‘family only’!”

“Well maybe he does! Let him and Hanna do what they want!”

“Of course, of course I will!” She said this as though it was a matter of fact while Julian suspected it would be anything but. “I just thought you ought to know straight away.”

“So that you can start telling all your friends you mean?”

“Nothing of the sort!” she snapped. “What I actually wanted to say was that I was thinking of hosting a little engagement party for them - something small, nothing fancy - just before Christmas, and I wanted to make sure you’ll be around for it.”

Julian was silent for a moment.

The shops had been proclaiming the arrival of Christmas for quite a while already despite the fact it was still over a month away, and one thought had been inescapable:

Christmas was a time for family, and as of a few months ago, Erik effectively had no family. As far as Julian was aware, there had been no contact at all since Erik's sister's early abortive attempts to broker some sort of a truce.

The specific topic of Christmas had not yet come up between them but there was no way Julian was going to leave him alone in the apartment over the holidays.

“Erm...yeah...Mum? About Christmas…”

Mrs Draxler cut across him:

“Erik would be invited too of course. We’d really like to get to know him properly.”

This caught Julian off guard completely:

“Wha..? But...I thought you didn't like him!”

“Nonsense, darling! We just don't know him at all. And you should let him know he's very welcome to stay here for Christmas, I mean, if he'd like to. After all that horrid stuff with his family, the holidays must be so tough for him! I can't bear the idea of anyone being on their own over Christmas!”

“Wait! Wait! How the hell do you know about Erik's parents?”

“Language, Julian! Well, it happens that Mrs Goretzka has a son who _actually_ _talks_ to her!” Her thinly masked reproach was not lost on her son. “She explained the real reason why you had to go back early in the summer. We might have been able to help if you'd said something. I’m sorry you didn't feel you could tell us the truth.”

“Well I had no idea that you’d go gossiping about it!”

He was confused and angry. Talking about _anything_ with his parents was always so uncomfortable it was little wonder he hadn't said anything.

“It's _not_ gossip and there's no need to take that tone with me! A few of us have set up a little group for parents of LG..T..B...oh I never can get the letters in the right order! But it's to support families like _ours_ anyway. There's really a lot to learn when you start looking into these things! And Mrs Goretzka and I were thinking of putting together a committee…”

She continued as Julian listened in stunned silence.

Surely this was quite a sudden turnaround?

But the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Of course this is how his mother would cope with having a bisexual son! She loved committees and meetings and taking minutes. For as far back as he could remember she was always organising some charity fundraiser or local history exhibition or something - although mostly as an excuse to socialise with her friends and have a good gossip.

Oh and also, why did she always call her friends by their formal titles like that? Why Mrs Draxler and Mrs Goretzka, instead of Monika and whatever Mrs G’s first name was? Grown ups were weird!

“Julian? Julian!”

“Eh? What?”

He realised he had been musing in his own little world rather than actually following what his mother was saying.

“It’s ‘pardon?’ Julian, not ‘what?’! And I asked if you knew when your exams will finish in the summer?”

“Er, not really. They’ll tell us nearer the time I think. Why?”

“Setting wedding dates, of course! They’ll need to make some decisions soon if they want it organised for next year!”

“ _Another_ wedding! Don't tell Max!” Julian muttered.

“Who’s Max?”

“Oh, just a friend who doesn't much like weddings!”

“Well you needn't invite _him_ then!” His mother seemed to have little time for the foibles of Julian’s friends. “But you will talk to Erik about coming for Christmas, won't you? I need to start planning.”

“It's still weeks away!”

“Oh, but it goes so fast at this time of year!”

“I’ll speak to him”

He had no idea how Erik might react to the prospect of spending the holidays with his socially inept family, but at least it looked as though his mother would be too caught up in taking over his brother's wedding plans to be too unbearable.

“Thank you, darling. Just let me know as soon as you can. Everything else alright? You’re keeping up with your course?”

“Er, yeah, yeah, it's fine.”

“Excellent. Well, it's been nice to chat. Speak to you soon. Bye darling!”

“Oh, er, yeah, bye Mum”

Clearly in a hurry to spread her news, his mother ended the conversation before Julian had a chance to process what had happened.

His mother was officially the most confusing person on the planet but this new-found acceptance of Erik was heartening, even if he couldn't help the feeling that he was now some sort of a status symbol for her amongst her friends.

He had vaguely expected Erik to be home from his tutorial by now, but his absence afforded Julian some time to figure out how best to raise the topic of Christmas and all the thorny emotional issues that went with it.

Was the rift between Erik and his parents so totally irrevocable? If Julian's parents could make the effort to welcome Erik, maybe anyone could change? But after such cruel behaviour, did they even deserve the chance?

Knowing that, for once, Erik was not working that evening, Julian decided that it was a good enough excuse to cook his favourite dish, and leaving a note in case his boyfriend should return in his absence, he left the apartment in search of provisions.

….


	17. Chapter 17

Standing on the doorstep, Erik was beginning to think that perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all. He didn't really know Benni all that well and he wasn't sure how he might react to someone interfering in his business.

Julian had already left by the time Erik had woken, so he had been unable to update him on the events of the previous evening. He had tried calling Marco for advice but hadn't managed to reach him.

The blue door in front of him took him back to the time a few months earlier when he had been forced to negotiate his way past a hostile and protective Benni in order to plead for Julian's friendship. Back then he had been guilty, hurting, and horribly in denial of his true feelings.

He had seen some of that hurt reflected in Mats the night before. That was why he was here. Mats needed help and the only person who could help him was the same one who had hurt him. Someone needed to make Benni understand that.

With that resolve in his mind, Erik knocked on the door.

“Erik!?”

“Hi Benni”

“Hi, er...hi!” Benni was clearly surprised to see him. He was wearing a suit which was unusual and maybe that was what made him look older than Erik remembered. “It’s good to see you, mate! Come in, come in! What brings you here?”

Erik was ushered into the rather chaotic living room. Scooping aside some housing brochures from off the sofa, Benni gestured for him to sit, and Erik realised he wasn't quite sure how to begin the conversation.

“I...er… Well…”

“Are you alright? Is it Jule? Has something happened?”

Benni’s tendency immediately to fear to worse gave Erik a way in:

“Something has happened but it's not me or Jule. It's Mats.”

“Mats?”

“Yeah. I don't know if… Have you seen him recently? Or spoken to him?”

Benni looked pale:

“Erm...no. Jule mentioned something was wrong and I tried calling but I never got hold of him and then...I ...I guess I forgot.” he added limply. “But what happened? Is he okay?”

“Well no, actually he isn't!” Erik was riled by Benni's apparent failings as a friend, “He’s not okay and a lot of it is down to you!”

“Me? Wha..? What happened? What did he say?”

“He's been suffering for months and you have no idea! We had to take him away from your wedding because he was in such a bad way, and he's been self destructive ever since. And then just last night he got steaming drunk again and nearly got himself beaten up in some gay club. Fortunately, Ralf got to him before they did, but he was in a terrible state!”

Erik had to pause to draw breath. Benni had barely reacted. He just sat there and something about seeing him so calm in his smug domestic setting fuelled Erik's anger at Mats’ plight:

“You just dumped him! He loved you but you abandoned him so you could settle down with your nice, conventional, cosy, _straight_ option, while Mats is left feeling like your dirty little secret!”

“It was never like that!” Benni didn't raise his voice but the strangled words betrayed that he was in fact very far from calm. “For starters, it wasn't a secret. Everyone knew we were together, but it wasn't a serious thing. When I met Lisa, Mats was fine with it. He started dating Cathy soon afterwards. And Lisa knows. She knew from the start -  
I mean not, like, the details, but she knew we’d been...been…”

“Friends with benefits?”

“I...maybe. I don't think we ever called it that. It just happened. And I didn't just suddenly stop caring about him. It wasn't like that.”

“Then what was it like?” Erik wasn't going to let him make excuses so easily.

Benni took a deep breath before replying:

“Okay. So, up until Julian, you’d only ever been with girls, right?”

Erik frowned but answered him:

“Yeah”

“And you haven't just suddenly stopped being attracted to girls, right?”

“Well no but…”

“But Julian's different?”

“Yeah, yes he is.”

“Because you're in love with him?”

Erik was silent for a moment as Benni's words began to sink in.

“Yes” he said more softly “Yes I am”

“Then you know what it was like. I cared... I _care_ very deeply for Mats. He's always been a dear friend and I love him very much. But I'm _in_ _love_ with Lisa. Lisa is a part of me. I suddenly found a completeness that I’d never felt before - for a girl or a guy, it didn't matter. Only she mattered. Being with her was the only thing that made sense.”

Again, Erik was quiet as he considered this. Being with Julian was the only thing in his life that made sense too. There was so much around them that was a complete mess, but being with Julian made sense, being with Julian was right.

“But what about Mats?” He said eventually “Didn't he matter? What about how he was feeling?”

Benni shook his head:

“I genuinely thought he was okay. He seemed happy for me, for us. He said we were cool and that everything was fine. I believed him… I guess I _wanted_ to believe him but I really had no reason to doubt it.”

“I’m not sure he was as fine as he let you see” Erik was more gentle now. He conceded that maybe Benni was not so entirely to blame after all. “I think you really really need to talk with him.”

Benni put his head in his hands:

“Maybe I was so wrapped up in my own happiness that I didn't see it!”

“I think he kept it from you, maybe even from himself.”

“Oh Mats, you idiot! Why didn't you say something?” he cried “If he’d have said…”

“Would it have made a difference?”

“I don't know! Maybe, maybe not. But I hate the thought of him suffering and him not telling me!”

The sound of the front door heralded Lisa’s return and she called from the hallway:

“Hey, sorry I’m late sweetheart! How was the interview?”

“Fine, fine!” Benni called back, “Um, Erik’s here”

This was a fact that Lisa had just discovered for herself as she entered the living room, still taking off her coat.

“Hi Erik” she smiled “Nice to see you!”

The smile faded almost immediately as she saw her husband’s downcast demeanour:

“What is it? Is it Julian? Has something happened?”

Benni smiled weakly at her concern and reached for her hand:

“It's not Jule. It’s about Mats. He’s not in a good way and I need to go and see him. We’re going to have to postpone dinner I’m afraid.”

Lisa's presence seemed to give Benni back his strength.

“Of course” she said. “I probably need an early night anyway. But is he hurt? Has there been an accident?”

“Nothing like that” He held onto her like she was an anchor in a storm. “I’ll explain everything when I get back. I don't want you to worry.”

“I should be going” Having accomplished his mission, Erik was keen not to intrude further. “Jule will be wondering what kept me.”

“And I need to go to Mats’ place. I only hope he’ll talk to me.”

“I hope so too” sighed Erik.

“Send my love to Julian, won't you?” Lisa added as they made towards the door.

“Mine too” Benni opened the door, picking up his own coat as he did so. “Do you need a lift?”

“Thanks but it's fine. It's in the wrong direction and the traffic will be a nightmare at this hour.”

Benni kissed Lisa goodbye and pulled the door shut behind him.

They were due to head off in opposite directions but Benni paused for a second before saying earnestly:

“Thanks for coming here, Erik”

“I just hope it helps. Good luck, Benni.”

“Thank you. Goodnight”

….


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making you wait guys xx

Julian stared unseeing at the rapidly cooling spaghetti on his plate as he struggled to digest Erik's words:

“I...I had no idea. How did I not know this?”

Erik shrugged:

“Because for Benni it was ancient history? Over long before you came up to Uni. Or because you don't tend to discuss your sex life with the kid you’ve known since basically forever?”

“But when you and I were… When I moved out, when I was in bits because I'd fallen for my best friend, he didn't think to mention it then?!”

“It wasn't the same situation, Jule.”

“Well, no, but it might have made it easier!”

“Really?”

Julian paused a moment from his indignation at being kept in the dark to consider this:

“Perhaps not” he conceded. “But do your really think Mats has been in love with him all this time? And never said anything?”

“I don't know” Erik shook his head as he cleared their plates from the table. “I really don't know”

By the time Erik had returned from the kitchen, Julian had sprawled himself across the couch. Erik stood in the doorway for a moment just to look at him, Benni's words from earlier returning to him:

_“I suddenly found a completeness that I'd never felt before.”_

Being without Julian was unimaginable. He needed him as a part of himself, loved him more than he could comprehend. His smile, his dancing eyes, his long limbs, his warmth, his…

“Oi! What are staring at me for, dickhead?”

The object of Erik’s amorous musings had thrown a cushion at him, breaking any romantic spell, and was now wearing a shit-eating smirk.

“I was just thinking how obnoxious you are, actually!” Rolling his eyes and grinning back at him, Erik crossed over to the sofa. “Like, why do you have to take up the whole couch, you wanker?”

“Ha! What are you going to do about it?” Julian was defiant.

Erik pouted at him for a moment, and then in one swift movement, he swung his leg across the seat to straddled his boyfriend's slim hips.

Julian’s grin was replaced with a small gasp of surprise and it was Erik's turn to smirk. Leaning forward, he kissed him hard, tongue teasing, lips tugging and caressing. As much as Julian’s presence meant peace and security, moving against the firm body beneath him, Erik no longer wished to deny the feelings of desire that this man ignited.

Erik shifted his weight to grind down harder, but Julian broke away from his hungry lips and stopped him:

“Erik?”

Cradling his face in both hands, Julian looked the up at him with large questioning eyes.

“Please” Erik panted “I...I need you. I’m not afraid anymore.”

“You’re sure?"

“Oh God yes!”

He leant in to kiss him again before sliding off his lap and pulling him up from the sofa by the hand.

“Your place or mine?”

It took a somewhat-flustered Julian a moment to realise what Erik was talking about:

“Umm...er...I don't mind”

“Mine I think. Your bed squeaks. Plus mine is nearer!”

His heart hammering in his chest, but his mind clear and determined, Erik led Julian by the hand to his bedroom.

Julian hesitated in the doorway:

“Are...are you certain this is what you want?”

“Will you stop asking that?!”

Impatient, Erik tried to pull him flat onto the bed but Julian untangled himself and sat beside him instead:

“No, actually I won't, dickhead! You scared me when... you know... _before_. I was so scared that I'd hurt you”

Julian's eyes betrayed a tenderness and concern that only strengthened the conviction of Erik's heart:

“You never hurt me, you couldn't. I trust you, I need you and I love you, so much - even when you call me dickhead, you wanker!”

“Oi!” Julian smiled and relaxed into the kiss that swallowed the sound of his laughter.

“I love you and I also fancy the pants off you, Draxler! And so while we're on the subject, get ‘em off!”

“Ooo bossy are we?” The smile lingered as Julian dutifully obliged. “Not that I’m complaining!”

“Glad to hear it!”

“And we can go at your pace, so if you change your mind…”

“Fuck no!”

Erik made a grab for him again, pinning him to the bed before faltering at a sudden thought:

“Unless...unless you don't want this?”

Julian let out a stifled groan:

“Oh god! You really don't have any idea how much I really, really want this!”

“Hmm...well I think I have some idea” Erik murmured, kissing him again and gently exploring the growing evidence of Julian's wanting with outstretched tentative fingers.

They made light work of their remaining clothes. The ancient guilt and shame failed to appear as Erik lay naked before the eager eyes of his lover. He felt vulnerable, yes, but not afraid or ashamed. His certainty in the connection between them was stronger than any doubt; the rapturous thunder of his heart drowned any lingering dark voices within him.

He revelled in the sensations coursing through him; the feeling of cool, bare skin against his own, the scent and taste of it. As he took Julian's cock in his hand and began slowly, reverently to stroke, Erik's ears were hungry for the increasingly desperate whimpers his actions solicited.

As if in reply, Julian wrapped his own long fingers around the base of Erik's insistent erection, immediately drawing a gasping groan of pleasure and need from his lust-swollen lips. The touch threw him off balance for a moment as his body stuttered against the sensory deluge.

“Are you okay, my love?” Julian breathed hoarsely against his neck as his hand stilled.

“Yes, yes, go on, go on, please!”

Regaining his senses, Erik resumed his attentions to Julian's trembling cock and was rewarded in kind. It was new and different and not quite how he'd imagined in the seething carnal dreams that had once haunted him. There was a calm beneath their desire that spoke of respect and trust. This was worship and devotion, purer than any he had experienced. There could be no notion of sin or guilt here.

Letting go of all inhibitions, Erik surrendered himself to his feelings as he dissolved in Julian's hands. Moments later his name was on Julian's lips as he shuddered and came against him. They clung tightly to one another until their ragged breathing slowed.

Reluctantly Erik disentangle their sticky bodies and lay back on the bed. Julian followed, lying tight beside him and interlocking their clammy, sex-soiled fingers. Erik raised an eyebrow at this but did not pull away his hand.

“I think we could both use a shower” he said, a satisfied smirk tugging the corners of his mouth.

“Hmm probably” Julian pondered back at him, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “Maybe we should do that together? To save water. Do our bit for the environment?”

“Always so considerate!”

“I try!”

“And if we were to try anything else in there while we were about it…?”

Julian raised an eyebrow:

“Well I believe there's plenty we could try but we’ve all the time in the world to practice…”

“Oh fuck!”

Julian's flirtatious musings were cut off as Erik sat up suddenly and grimaced.

“Shit! What is it? What? What?”

“I forgot to buy washing powder!” Erik said “I can't wash the sheets!”

Julian sighed and laughed in relief:

“Is that all?! You scared the crap out of me, dickhead!”

“Don't call me dickhead!”

“Oh you know it's affectionate, dickhead. We can sleep in my room, despite the squeaky bed, and go shopping in the morning. Jeez! It's a good thing I love you!”

“Yeah” Erik smiled “I think that's a good thing too. Now, how about that shower?”

...


	19. Chapter 19

With the Christmas break so close on the horizon, it was more difficult than usual for the long-suffering Dr Tuchel to persuade his lecture theatre of restless students to concentrate on the finer points of solid state NMR spectroscopy. Eventually, faced with a sea of blank, glassy-eyed faces, he gave up early, wrote a few useful references on the board in the vain hope one or two of them might do some reading over the vacation, and headed to the pub for lunch.

“Oi Max! You can stop pretending to be asleep now. He's gone.”

André threw a pen at his friend's head.

“Ow! Who says I was pretending?” Max yawned, retrieving the missile from under his seat. “Where are we going for lunch? I'm starving!”

“What's new?” Julian muttered with a wry smirk, as he gathered up his lecture notes.

Before Max could retaliate, Matze chipped in:

“We should treat ourselves, I reckon. Celebrate surviving the term! We could try that fancy burger place? It's not far.”

Max’s face lit up and he forgot all thoughts of revenge:

“Definitely! Have you seen the size of their special? It's like the size of my head! No, bigger! Like the size of André’s head!”

André scowled at him:

“There's no way you’ll be able to eat all that! You're wasting your money.”

“Bet I can eat more of it than you can!”

“You're on!”

Matze shook his head at the pair of them:

“You don't grow up, do you? I'm not sure how Leon can stand living with you guys. I feel I should apologise for having suggested it!”

“He's never in!” replied André.

“Yeah, he's always at yours anyway!” Max nodded. “We barely see him!”

“And I'm sure you'll be finding ways to make it up to him” Julian added with a knowing smile.

Max rolled his eyes:

“Oh, spare us, please! Just because you’ve been walking around with that tell-tale smirk all over your face for the last week, there's no need to rub it in!”

“What smirk?” Julian was all wide-eyed innocence.

“The sickening smirk of the recently laid, that's what!” Max feigned a dry heave. “It's enough to put a man off his food!”

“Ignore him! He's just jealous ‘cos he ain't getting any!” André patted Julian on the shoulder. “We're all pleased for you mate. Glad you guys got yourselves sorted in the end.”

“Wha…?” Julian gaped, dumbstruck. “How did you..? I mean...like...how…?”

“We kinda guessed there might be...issues” Matze was clearly trying to be a little more delicate than his friends. “I was hoping you'd feel able to talk about it, although, perhaps, with our history…”

“Well, yeah…”Julian mumbled, “I mean, I thought about it, but...given that we were...y’know...I thought it might be weird.”

“I doesn't have to be weird, unless you make it weird!” said Matze. “I’d be happy to talk, anytime you need, about anything at all!”

“Thanks, mate” Julian grinned sheepishly. “I might take you up on that!”

“I told you they just needed time!” declared André, with an air of triumph.

“Wait...you guys had discussions on my sex life?!”

“Well…” Matze waved a hand vaguely, “Not...like...regularly…”

“Was alcohol involved?” demanded Max “I thought you'd be fine if you were drunk enough!”

“Why the hell am I friends with you lot?!” Julian cried, exasperated.

“Because all your other friends are boring!” grinned André “Which reminds me, did you hear that Jonas is getting married next summer?”

“Yeah, Erik mentioned it.” Julian was grateful for a change in subject. “My brother is too. Looks as though I’ll be getting good use out of that new suit!”

Max made some exaggerated wails of despair but was completely ignored by the rest of the group.

“Oh, talking of weddings,” said Matze, “What's the latest on Mats?”

…

“I spoke to him at the end of last week” said Marco, between mouthfuls of sandwich, “He seems a bit more...sorted, maybe. I think he knows he's been being ridiculous. Hopefully he'll started acting like a grown up again!”

Erik frowned at him over his cup of coffee:

“Aren't you being a _little_ harsh? The guy had his heartbroken. Couldn't you summon up a tiny bit of sympathy from that stoney heart of yours?”

“Heartbroken?” Marco gave a skeptical snort “I never got the impression it was his heart that was in danger. His ego perhaps!”

“What makes you so sure? You weren't around when Benni ended it!”

“Well no, but back when Mario left and I was in a bad way about it, Mats suggested drinking would be a good solution and he was buying so I agreed. Basically we ended up comparing pathetic love lives and told me about him and Benni. I always got the impression he didn't like being replaced more than anything. He liked being Benni's first choice, I think.”

“Surely it was more than that?”

“He didn't like being left behind.” Marco shrugged “He saw Benni moving on, settling down and getting engaged and he felt that _he_ should be doing that too. That's why he was in such a rush to marry Cathy, and why he panicked and ran when it all got out of hand.”

Erik shook his head:

“If you’d have seen how broken up he was you’d not be so hard on him!”

“He's a drama queen! Everything is melodrama with him!”

“Unlike you?” Erik scoffed.

“I’m nowhere near as bad! Well, not anymore anyway… And you're a fine one to talk!”

“I don't mean to be!” protested Erik. “I don't enjoy the drama! It just kinda...happens”

Marco wiped the sandwich crumbs from his hands and sat back in his chair:

“That's mostly because you keep too much bottled up, young padawan. Communication - that's the key! Get everything out in the open.”

“Oh, like you're so perfect at that!”

“No,” Marco conceded with a shrug “but I keep trying.”

There was a pause. Erik thought this over while he finished his coffee. Marco watched him intently and then, more gently, asked:

“But you and Julian? How is that? You were having some...difficulties?”

“Oh! Yeah, that!” It took a moment for Erik to catch his meaning. “Yeah, we're okay. All that's fine now. Well, more than fine actually. It's...er...really good in fact!”

The satisfied smirk that grew on Erik's face rapidly spread to Marco's:

“Ah ha! Good, good! Nice one. So not so scary now, eh?”

“Nah, not so scary!” Erik grinned “Although, talking of scary…”

“What is it?”

“I’m spending Christmas with his family.”

Marco feigned shock and horror:

“Ooooo! Meeting the in-laws! Gotta make a good impression! No pressure or anything! Didn't you say his Mum is a bit of a dragon?”

“I’ve only seen them very briefly but I got the feeling they didn't really approve of me and, yes, his Mum seems terrifying” he sighed. “But it was thoughtful of them to invite me and it's better than being alone over Christmas.”

Marco nodded:

“I’m sure you'll charm them all, no problem!” he said, “It’ll be weird not seeing you over the holidays like old times though. You're coming back here for New Year's, right?”

“Yeah. Ralf needs everyone to work on New Year's Eve so most of the gang are going there.”

“Sounds good to me!”

“That's if I survive Christmas of course…”


	20. Chapter 20

It was Erik's hair that first betrayed his nerves. Julian didn't mention it, of course - that would only have made him more self conscious - but he spotted it right away. There was far less product than usual, making it appear softer and more golden in colour. He had worn it the same way when set to meet Julian's parents at Benni's wedding, and, as he watched Erik politely accepting his mother's offer of whatever weird and exotic creation was her current pre-dinner snack of choice, Julian felt a mix of guilt at his discomfort, and gratitude that he was going to such efforts to please.

Mrs Draxler had clearly been studying the latest trends for Christmas from her home decor magazines, and seemingly every shelf, ledge and surface was festooned with silver-painted leaves and pine cones. Early on, Julian had made the mistake of picking one of these up and had managed to get his hand and one side of his jumper covered in glitter.

They had only been in the house a couple of hours, but so far Erik had survived rather well and Julian was exceptionally proud of him. Patrick and his fiancée weren't arriving until later so there was no hope of dilution by relatively-normal relatives. He was aware that his parents’ social ineptitude often made their best efforts at ‘casual get-to-know-you chat’ come across more like a job interview, but they had been genuinely impressed by Erik's enthusiasm for his course and his hopes for a research project next year with his favourite professor.

There was nearly an awkward moment when Julian's father ventured onto the topic of sport and Erik had to admit to being a Dortmund fan. Mr Draxler had looked pale and gaped for a moment before looking across to his son:

“It _must_ be love!” he muttered, shaking his head.

Fortunately the two of them soon found common ground in a mutual dislike of Bayern, and then swiftly moved onto golf.

Not being a fan of the game himself, Julian watched from across the living room with satisfaction as both men began to relax in each other's company.

“Don't let your father introduce him to the golf club too soon”

Julian's mother had reappeared from her final preparations in the kitchen, clutching a lipstick-marked glass of wine in one hand and a fresh one in the other that she offered to her son along with her advice:

“I think you deserve at least a couple of years together before you become a golf widow...widower!” she added, with a small smile.

Julian smiled back and took the wine.

“Although,” Mrs Draxler continued as she watched her husband demonstrating the finer points of his putting technique, “if he _does_ go, it might be good for his studies. I'm pretty sure most of the members there are prehistoric!”

His mother attempting jokes had to be a good sign. Surely it meant that Erik had finally won her approval? Either that or there was a _very_ empty bottle of wine in the kitchen…

…

Curled up in one corner of the sofa with Julian close beside him, Erik wondered at the subtle differences in families and their rituals. In many ways Christmas Eve had been very much like the ones he was used to, but he had a constant niggling awareness that this was not his family and this was not his home.

It wasn't that the Draxler’s hadn't tried to make him feel welcome, but the fact that they were clearly making every effort inevitably made him self conscious and concerned with pleasing in return. Fortunately, the arrival of Julian's brother with his wife-to-be had lessened the pressure on him as the only outsider, and the discussion of their wedding plans had been a welcome shift of focus.

It was the tiny things that hit him hardest. The food, the timetable of traditions, the family in-jokes - all so similar to what he was used to and yet heartbreakingly different. Despite his best efforts, Erik could not help but wonder what his own family would be doing right now, and if they were thinking of him. It stung hard, and he had to push the thought away.

Julian's mother had just suggested they play a board game (to an eye-rolling reaction from her sons), when Erik's phone buzzed in his pocket:

_‘Calling: ‘Home’’_

Excusing himself as politely as he could, and ignoring the concerned look from his boyfriend, Erik hurried into the darkened adjacent study and pressed ‘Answer’.

“H...hello?”

“Erik?”

His mother's voice was hesitant and his chest clenched at the sound.

“Mama!”

“Darling! Oh it's so good to hear your voice!”

“You too, Mama”

Erik couldn't stop his voice from breaking as he struggled to hold himself together. The months of anguish, of trying to leave behind the pain of that devastating rejection, came washing through him and he felt the phone shaking in his hand.

“I wanted… I wanted to wish you a happy Christmas, darling”

“Merry Christmas, Ma. How...how are you?”

“Oh I’m okay. And you? Are you eating properly? Where are you?”

Erik managed a smile through his tears:

“I’m eating fine, Mama! I'm staying with Mr and Mrs Draxler for Christmas.”

“That's nice.” A pause. “Is her cooking as good as mine?”

“Not even close, Ma! Not even close!”

There was a relieved sigh on the other end of the line.

Erik took a deep breath:

“How's Pa?”

“Oh...oh he's fine. He’s gone out to meet some of his friends for a drink, you know how he does.”

“Oh”

“He misses you, you know? I know he does. We all do. I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Mama, but…” his breath hitched again, “...but you threw me out! You sent me away!”

“I know, I know, my baby…” He could hear her crying now, “...and I’m sorry, I'm so sorry. I… Your father… He's just stubborn. I'm know he misses you too. If I talk to him…”

“But don’t...I mean, be careful. He might…”

“He wouldn't...He’d never do anything...”

“But you waited until he was out to call?”

“I didn't want to upset him at Christmas!”

“But what about me? What about hurting your child? And what about how it's hurting you?”

The pent-up sorrow had turned to anger and frustration, but the sound of his mother's sobs tempered his rage:

“It's not right, Mama.”

“I know, I know. And I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“I know”

“I have to go. But I promise I'll try. I... I haven't given up.”

“Please be careful”

“I will. I promise. Take care of yourself, baby. I love so much.”

“I love you too, Mama.”

Erik stood in the dark, clutching his phone tightly to his chest, trembling with silent sobs.

After a little while he heard the sound of a door behind him and then found himself wrapped in Julian's arms. Erik buried himself in his embrace and held him very closely for a long time.

…

For as long as Julian could remember he had spent Christmas Day afternoons handing out drinks and snacks to the steady procession of his mother's friends who would always ‘just pop in’ to extend their best wishes of the season and end up staying for hours. This routine had been going on for years. He would answer the same old questions about how he was getting on with his studies and then sit politely listening to the drone of gossip from the grownups, until Patrick managed to catch his eye and make him laugh (or the other way around), whereupon they would be swiftly kicked out and allowed to escape upstairs.

This year it appeared that Mrs Draxler was particularly excited to show off both her new daughter-in-law-to-be _and_ her son’s adorable gay boyfriend. Erik coped remarkably well with being displayed like some sort of trophy, apparently finding it amusing and endearing rather than cringingly embarrassing, and Julian felt a swell of pride as he watched him charm the coven of middle aged women that had assembled in the living room.

At least the anticipated arrival of his mother's new BFF, Mrs Goretzka, brought with it the prospect of seeing Leon and a greater safety in numbers, but it was not the Goretzkas who were the latest visitors:

“Benni! Lisa! What a wonderful surprise!” Julian's mother gushed as ushered them in. “We haven't seen you since your beautiful wedding. Have you heard that we’re planning one ourselves now? For dear Patrick and Hanna. It's so exciting. You should compare notes because of course you’ll know all the best wedding shops. You will stay and have a drink, won't you? Of course you must!”

Not having been allowed to get a word in edgeways, a slightly stunned-looking Lisa and Benni found themselves bundled into the throng and had wine and canapés thrust towards them.

“Erm, not for me thank you” Lisa insisted, smiling shyly.

“Er, yes, that's why we called round actually” Benni added, unable to suppress a beaming smile of his own “We have news. We're having a baby.”

Mrs Draxler made some sort of embarrassing high-pitched squealing noise and smothered the happy couple in a suffocating hug. Julian felt a hearty pat on the back seemed a more appropriate response:

“Congratulations, mate. I'm so pleased for you.”

“Thanks Jule” Benni gratefully extricated himself from the gaggle of over-excited well-wishers.

“You do know that half the town will know by the evening, right? Who needs Facebook? My mother is the old-school version of viral media!”

Benni laughed:

“Well, it saves us having to tell everyone! We’ve found a bigger place to live too, so we'll be moving in the new year. _Plus_ I’ve finally managed to find myself a proper job”

“That's a lot of busyness! No wonder we’ve not seen you in ages!”

“Yeah, I really am sorry about that.” Benni grimaced “Everything happened all at once really.”

“Let's find a drink” Julian saw an opportunity to escape. “I think it’ll be a while before you’ll be allowed to have your wife back... Oh, and mind those pine cones or you’ll be glittery for a week!”

Abandoning Lisa temporarily to a fate of borderline-impertinent questioning, Julian and Benni sought out a little peace and refreshment in the kitchen.

“Erm, Benni?” On such a happy occasion, Julian was loathed to bring up another subject but it had been playing on his mind. “I realise you’ve had a lot on recently, but have you seen...have you talked with Mats?”

Benni looked surprised by the question, but not particularly fazed:

“Yeah, actually we’ve met up a couple of times since...well since Erik suggested it might be a good idea. We should have talked things through ages ago. We _should_ have talked properly at the time to be honest but...well, we didn't.”

He sighed.

“But how are things now?” Julian asked.

“Better! Yeah, better, I think.” He stared down at the glass in his hand as he tried to find the right words to explain. “Things had gotten a bit...idealised? Rose-tinted, maybe, or taken out of proportion over time. It turned out that we both remembered events rather differently. I think he felt everything was simpler back when we were...whatever we were. He and Cathy had been having a few problems and he…well, he likes things to be perfect. But nothing works like that. I think he's realising that now, that you can't run away when things get difficult or scary.”

“It took him long enough!” Julian shook his head. “He was in such a state at your wedding!”

Benni flinched:

“So I heard! He hadn't told Cathy about what happened you see, and then when he tried to postpone _their_ wedding it all came out. She was understandably upset and wanted some time apart…”

“...which made him go off the rails completely!”

“Kind of, yeah. But I think he knows what he wants now. He misses her. He wants her back and he's prepared to work at it. That's if she’ll take him back, of course, but I hope she will. They're good together. And no relationship is perfect. Sometimes things happen not quite as planned, or a little sooner than planned perhaps…”

He smiled sheepishly and Julian caught the implication:

“Does Mats know your news?”

“Yes, and he's really pleased for us! Actually, he wanted to be godfather…”

“Really?!”

“Yeah, but Lisa thinks Ralle would be more reliable, and…well...to be honest I wanted to ask _you_ first.”

“Me?!” Julian could feel the colour rising in his cheeks. “I...I mean, I’d be honoured but I don't think I'm qualified!”

Benni laughed:

“I don't think you have to be. I know I’m not! As a matter of fact, I’m scared stiff! But I know Lisa will be a wonderful Mum and I know I’ve never been happier”

“And I’m happy for you, but I can't believe I used to think you were a proper grown up with this stuff all figured out!”

“No way! I'm just good at pretending!”

They made their way back to the living room where Mrs Draxler was still fussing like a (grand)mother hen and was now dropping some not-very-subtle hints in the direction of a terrified Patrick and Hanna.

Julian sidled over to where Erik was watching proceedings at a safe distance and slid an arm around his boyfriend's waist:

“At least we don't have to deal with _that_ sort of pressure from my mother!”

“Well actually…”

The sound of his father's voice made Julian start.

Mr Draxler usually kept out of the way as much as possible at these social events and it was often hard to know if he was actually listening or just pretending to.

“I wouldn't be so sure, lads” he continued, one eyebrow faintly raised. “I happen to know that she's been spending a lot of time googling ‘gay adoption.’

Julian's jaw dropped. Eric looked pale.

The doorbell rang.

“Dear god, I hope that's Leon” muttered Julian. “We could do with some sane reinforcements in this madhouse!”

...


	21. Chapter 21

“But it shows it's a fine line though, doesn't it? If you can be one thing, and switch to being...something else, and then back again so easily!”

Matze frowned:

“I don't know about ‘easily’. Seems to me that there's often a certain amount of heartache involved, to be fair!”

Not to be discouraged from his argument, Marco shook his head:

“But if everyone knows where they stand relative to the ‘the line’, if they know where ‘the line’ is…”

“What are they talking about?” Having been stuck behind the bar for the first part of the evening and therefore joining this conversation late, Erik applied to Leon for clarification: “What ‘line’?”

“Oh, hi. Yeah, the ‘line’ between friends and lovers, and whether you can go back once it's crossed - at least I think that's what they’re on about. I'm not sure they're disagreeing, as such, actually, but Matze loves debating this kinda stuff, and I suspect Marco is used to having the last word, so it might get...interesting! I'm only sorry we don't have popcorn!”

Listening to his friends debate the emotional complexity of relationships was not how Erik had pictured his New Year's Eve. On one of the bar’s busiest nights of the year, Ralf had called for ‘all hands on deck’ in exchange for allocating certain periods of the night when his staff could join their friends’ celebrations. So far, it appeared to Erik that he hadn't missed a great deal. Matze, on the other hand, was just getting started:

“But you’re missing my point! What if they end up... wanting different things?”

He shot a pointed look over to the bar where Mario and his girlfriend were having large pink cocktails assembled for them by Anke. They seemed far too interested in each other to notice that this process was taking an excessively long time, that the barmaid’s hair colour matched their drinks almost exactly, or that they were the subject of scrutiny from Matze, Marco et al.

The sight of his friend/former crush brought a heightened colour to Marco's usually pale cheeks and a sulky pout to his lips. He shifted awkwardly in his chair and threw an uneasy glance towards Auba. His boyfriend’s expression was unreadable.

“But that's not...That's completely different!” Marco huffed. “Mario was never...We were never a couple, so technically no lines were crossed!”

“Well maybe not crossed, but blurred perhaps!” Matze looked a little guilty to be stirring up ancient history in order to prove a point but the damage was already done.

Marco was on the defensive and apparently wasn't going to pull any punches either:

“What about you and Julian then? You were together, and now you're just friends. Lines were crossed there, weren't they?”

Erik’s eyes were immediately drawn to his boyfriend on the far side of the group. Julian appeared reluctant to be drawn into the argument and merely shrugged dismissively.

“Maybe” Matze admitted “but I always knew his heart wasn't in it because he was too busy being in love with _his_ best friend!”

“Yeah, that was a turnoff for me too” grinned Leah.

Erik wasn't entirely pleased to have his love life used as some sort of discussion point, at least in a debate he wasn't a part of yet:

“It's easy to be wise after the event!” he ventured, crossing through the circle and over to stand with Julian. “As if you all knew before we did!”

Marco raised his eyebrows and smirked at him:

“Certainly we all knew before _YOU_ did, mate! I mean, you were really slow on the uptake!”

Frowning, Erik was about to respond when he felt Julian's arm round his waist:

“Just as long as you know now” he murmured against Erik's cheek.

“Hmm yes” Erik whispered back, kissing him “I’m pretty sure I know now!”

“Ergh!” Max shattered the mood by making vomit noises behind them. “Can we please change the subject so I don't have to be reminded that I am constantly surrounded by sappy, happy couples! Who even cares about this relationship garbage anyway, outside of teen magazines?”

“Oh Maxi, Maxi, Maxi!” Matze shook his head at him fondly, “Whatever shall we do with you?”

Marco’s eyes lit up with mischief:

“Aww, bless! We should find the poor lonely soul someone of his own! Someone to fill his life with joy and generally occupy him so he can leave the rest of us in peace!”

Max gave them both a scowl and the finger, but before he could say anything, Leah intervened:

“Oh Lord, why? Why do you hate womankind so much that you would do that to some poor innocent female?”

She stuck her tongue out and Marco shook his head at her while the others sniggered.

“All of you can go to hell!” Max threw up his hands. “Go pick on someone else! Where's Roman? He's single isn't he? How about him?”

“He's back in Switzerland for the holidays,” said Erik, “partying with his super hot mates. Honestly though, have you seen his Instagram?”

“I know!” agreed Leon “What do they put in the water over there?”

Matze nodded and slid his arm over Leon’s shoulders:

“I’m not sure, but I’ve a good idea where I’m going for my next holiday!” and then, seeing the questioning glance he got from his boyfriend, he added with a smirk “For the gorgeous...scenery, of course!”

“Of course!” Leon winked and kissed him.

“Well what about Ralf then?” Max was keen not to let things descend into coupliness again. “He's not that old. How about him?”

“Er...I’m not sure of the details but I think there's some sort of tragic backstory there” said Julian, with a furtive glance towards the bar, “Benni hinted at something.”

“Oh goodness! Not another one!” cried Matze and Leon together.

“Hmm, best not go there then” said Erik. “What started this whole conversation off anyway?”

“Mats and Cathy are back together and they’re moving to Munich” Marco announced in a voice dripping with disapproval. “I don't understand it”

“You don't have to understand it.” Auba had been quiet during Marco and Matze’s verbal sparring, but now addressed his boyfriend calmly but firmly. “It's not for you to understand. It's not for you to approve or disapprove. No one can understand from the outside. We just have to concentrate on us, and let them work it out for the best. We can't do that for them.”

“Hmm, maybe” Marco looked a little sulky as he thought about this. “But what about her? Why would she take him back after all that? Maybe we need a female perspective! Leah?”

He turned to her, beaming as if this was the answer to all their problems.

“Er...really? Suddenly I have to speak on behalf of half the world's population?” Leah looked deeply unimpressed, but rolled her eyes and went along with it. “Well...maybe it’s because she loves him? Because she's willing to work on their relationship - flaws and all? Because it was never just about the wedding for her and it's actually about a marriage? Because this could actually make them stronger? Or maybe it's because Mats is really hot?”

This last comment brought general groans.

“Well if you ask stupid questions…!” she protested, “And he _is_ hot. Unreliable, certainly, but undeniably hot.”

“So you prefer reliable and ugly like André, is that it?” said Max, who then had to duck to avoid a slap.

The bickering continued good-naturedly but the group had naturally separated into pairs - Marco and Auba, André and Leah, Leon and Matze, Max and his beer. The place was as busy as one would expect at New Year's but they’d managed to secure space in one corner - the perks of knowing the staff.

“How long do you have before Ralf needs you back behind the bar?” Julian asked.

“Another ten minutes” said Erik, grimly “It’ll be all of us working flat-out on the run up to midnight”

“I wish you didn't have to go” Julian whined, before an idea struck him: “Hey! Why don't we rent out my room? We're only really using one room now, and with the extra money coming in, you could cut down your shifts!”

“Hmm, I’m not sure. It would be so weird having a stranger in our apartment!”

“I might have an idea!” With impeccable timing, Matze had just returned from the bar and had caught the end of their conversation. “I think Max might be looking for somewhere, not our Max obviously, Leon's Max.”

Leon took one of the drinks from Matze and grimaced:

“Yeah, I’m not entirely sure what the deal is, but he and Leroy have had some kind of a fight. They might need space to work it out.”

“These first years and their complicated lives!” Erik rolled his eyes theatrically. “I never had these problems when I was living with Kevin!”

“Yeah, but you did have to worry about him setting fire to the flat!” said Julian.

“That was only one time to be fair” a grinning Erik replied “Apparently he has his own business now and he's doing pretty well!”

“Is this the guy who dropped out?” Matze asked.

“Yeah,” replied Julian “the one who had my room before me and the reason there's a large burn in the middle of the carpet! If he's doing so well, maybe we should ask him to pay for a new one?”

“Plenty of time to discuss all this later” Erik dropped a kiss onto Julian’s cheek. “In the meantime, I have to get back to work”

The bar was heaving with punters keen to drink out the old year and toast in the new. Erik and his colleagues were kept busy as the clock edged towards midnight.

Every now and then, Erik's gaze would wander over to where his friends were still chatting, squabbling and laughing together. Occasionally he would manage to catch Julian's eye and share a smile. With the new year looming, fresh and unspoilt, Erik found himself wondering at just how much life had changed in so little time - messy, sometimes painful, and always imperfect, but so very precious.

“Hey guys! It’s nearly midnight everyone! 10...9…”

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be leaving this here. Most of them seem happy (or are working on it) and I've been running out of steam with it to be honest. Thank you to those of you who have stuck with the story and left encouragement. It's always hugely appreciated xxx


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